Valentine’s Day or Saint Valentine’s Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14 around the world. On this day, lovers express their feelings to each other by sending cards or presenting flowers or confectionery. It is believed that this day originated from Saint Valentine, who was a Roman and was martyred on February 14, 269 A. D. for refusing to give up Christianity. He left his friend, the jailer’s daughter, a farewell note, which was signed “From Your Valentine.” Gradually, February 14 became the day of exchanging love messages such as poems and small gifts such as flowers and chocolate.
Japanese Valentine’s Day
Japanese people are experts at importing foreign cultures and adapting them into something unique to their own. Valentine’s Day is no exception. In Japan, Valentine’s Day means that women give men chocolate. This is a day of great opportunity for shy Japanese women to express their feelings. However, do not get overly excited just because you received chocolate from Japanese girls. Yours may be giri-choco (obligation chocolate) purchased for male friends, classmates, bosses, and colleagues with no romantic feeling of attachment. Girls pass on giri-choco to all men close to them for friendship or gratitude. The concept of obligation is infiltrated into every aspect of their daily etiquette in Japan. They do not like to owe favors to anyone; therefore, they feel obligated to return something back if someone does them a favor. In the Japanese society, cards do not do enough justice so that sending Valentine’s cards is not common, just as sending a sympathy card without condolence money is not sincere enough. It is not the thought that counts, but it is the money or item that counts more in Japan.
Some years ago, I was showing my class a videotaped Japanese show called “Japan Prime Time.” There was an advertisement for Valentine’s Day in it. A cute girl about 7 or 8 years old is buying chocolate for her male friends by announcing loud, “This is for Satoshi.” “This is for Akira.” “This is for Nobutaka. . .” Then, a chubby dull-looking boy comes up behind her and reminds her of his existence. Every time she calls someone else’s name, he says, “My name is Yoshihiko.” This goes on for a while but his name does not seem to be on her list. The poor boy finally looks down and walks away, feeling rejected. My students and I all laughed about this ad, but this custom is actually cruel. The truth is that the men/boys who do not receive any chocolate on Valentine’s Day are certainly embarrassed. I hear some mothers buy chocolate for their own boys in order to spare them from rejection and embarrassment. This advertisement reminds me of the sad side of Homecoming and Prom fiasco in American high schools. If you are popular and are nominated to be a king/queen, or if you are asked to go to these parties, the life is heavenly for them. However, have you ever thought of the kids who do not get to participate in these festivities because they are unpopular and not chosen? The scar derived from unpopularity or rejection may stay with them for the rest of their lives.
The second kind of chocolate is honmei-choco (truelove chocolate). It can be store bought or home made. Before the Valentine’s Day, department stores dedicate a whole floor for a wide variety of chocolate from all over the world. People can purchase any chocolate they want. It is a sublime time for chocolate lovers. On the other hand, some women insist that it is not true love unless they make their own chocolate; therefore, they slave themselves in the kitchen to make special chocolate for their special someone. Some women may prefer to knit a sweater or a scarf. Their creativity for their loved-ones is unlimited.
For this special day, a typical woman may buy 20-30 boxes of inexpensive giri-choco to pass around the office and one expensive box of honmei-choco and another gift such as a necktie or a hand-knitted muffler or sweater for her special person. I hear some celebrities receive a truckload of chocolate delivered to their homes on this day. I wonder what they do with all the chocolate.
The story of the Japanese Valentine’s Day is not over yet. Men should not relax and feel giddy just because they received giri-choco or honmei-choco. Japanese confectionery companies took advantage of their feelings of obligation and created “White Day” for these dreaming men. In 1960s, a marshmallow manufacturing company initiated White Day celebration as a marketing tool. You can guess that the white marshmallows gave the day its name. The obligatory deal of White Day is that the men who received chocolate or gifts from women are supposed to return gifts of chocolate on March 14, exactly one month after February 14. The color of the chocolate is generally white as the name suggests. On this day, men give flowers, accessories, sexy underwear along with white chocolate. It is said that men spend more money on March 14 than women did on February 14. I am sure some men “accidentally” forget about the White Day obligation by blaming their convenient slip on their memory, but the candy and flower industries make sure to keep up with their rigorous advertising campaign until March 14 is successfully over.
I have another twist to this day. My memory may be fading but I remember Valentine’s Day slightly differently from what I have told so far. I agree that the Japanese Valentine’s Day is definitely the day for girls to express their feelings. In my high school days, we did not have names such as giri-choco or honmei-choco. A girl gave a boy white chocolate for friendship and brown chocolate for love. Then, on one Valentine’s Day, a boy handed me brown chocolate, but he did not say anything. I looked back at him and walked away with the brown chocolate in my hand. What was he thinking about? This was not a day for boys’ confession . . .
Just before I started writing about this topic, I called my sister in Japan and confirmed some of the current information on Valentine’s Day. When I asked about the colors of chocolate, she said that the color did not matter much, and most people purchased brown chocolate since it was readily available but it was harder to find white ones. Although she is six years older than I am, she did not remember the white/brown controversy when I thought it was vital during my teen-age years. Now, I am really confused. Did that boy give me the brown chocolate because he could not find the white one? Was it for friendship after all, not for puppy love?
American Valentine’s Day
American Valentine’s Day is not as complicated as the Japanese counterpart is, though it is just as commercialized. This is the day when people express their love for each other by sending or presenting Valentine’s cards, flowers, chocolate, jewelry, pink or red stuffed animals, neckties/boxer shorts with hearts all over, sexy sleepwear, etc. Many couples become engaged or married on this day because it is SO romantic. There are red hearts and winged Cupids everywhere! Restaurants are filled with couples in love, and a reservation is absolutely necessary if you want to have a romantic dinner without a 2-hour wait. The U.S. Greeting Card Association estimates that one billion valentine cards are sent worldwide each year, and this day is the second largest card-sending day behind Christmas.
American Valentine’s Day is gentler than the Japanese one is. Ever since children are in preschool or kindergarten, teachers make sure that every student is included in this festivity. Teachers send home the list of the names of classmates a couple of weeks before the Valentine’s Day. Parents purchase a box of Valentine’s cards that is inexpensive and contains 20-30 small cards from their neighborhood card shop or drug store. Depending on the children’s age, they must write each name (and a message if they are older) of all of their classmates on the cards and take them back to school. Some children may tape a small piece of chocolate or candy on each card. Teachers keep reminding the students of the Valentine’s cards because they do not want someone to forget about this important day. Surprisingly, every student seems to remember to bring back the cards for Valentine’s Day, though they often forget about permission slips and money for field trips. Another preparatory activity for this day is to make a container to hold 20-30 cards from all the classmates. Some teachers may request students to bring a shoebox or a brown lunch bag, and others may create their own out of construction paper and crayons. At the end of the day of Valentine’s Day, there is usually a big party with games, cookies, cupcakes, chocolate, and drinks with Room Moms in the classroom. The best part of the whole day is everybody lines up in an orderly manner and gives each other Valentine’s cards. It does not matter whether the child is popular or unpopular, cute or ugly, thin or chubby, rich or poor. Every kid receives Valentine’s cards from the whole class and he/she takes a bagful of cards home as if it is his/her treasure. I believe that this custom is universal all over the U.S. This is the way the Valentine’s Day is celebrated preschool through the end of elementary school.
At our house, Valentine’s Day has been my husband’s service day for the girls. He has been the only male in our household for a long time. Poor guy! He brought home flowers for me and flowers for our three daughters as long as I can remember. Now all of our daughters have grown up and left our home for Chicago. Thank goodness, our favorite son-in-law seems to have taken my husband’s role. Our oldest daughter is married and has almost 4-year-old identical twin girls. Our two younger daughters visit her family frequently. On Valentine’s Day of 2008, my husband took me out to a restaurant for a romantic dinner. I gave a music card to my husband and two younger daughters. We gave our twin granddaughters stuffed animals and cards. My son-in-law gave his wife an orchid and a gift certificate for a facial at her salon. He bought his twin daughters a bunch of tulips each. He also gave our two younger daughters a make-up set each. When I found out about the gifts, I thanked him. He nodded and gave a knowing smile back to me. He seems to understand that girls rule in our family. He is a nice guy and he is fitting in wonderfully.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Funeral
Japanese Funerals
Japanese funeral customs vary widely from region to region, though most of the services are held in a Buddhist style. A funeral includes the following segments: wake, funeral ceremony, cremation, burial, and periodic memorial services. The average cost for a funeral is four million yen (approx. $40,000), the most expensive in the world.
Wake (Tsuuya)
A deceased body is usually washed at the hospital and brought to the home or to a mortuary hall on the same day to spend overnight for the wake. The body is dressed in a suit, a kimono, or a dress and is placed on dry ice (no embalming in Japan) in a casket. Incense is burned all night in front of the casket in order to guide the soul to heaven so that the soul may not be lost somewhere on this earth.
I remember how scared I was when I had to sleep next to my dead grandmother during the wake. I was only 11 years old, and my younger brother and I were too tired and sleepy to join the adults. My parents and relatives stayed awake all night tending the incense and candles in the same room. Much later, when my father died in 1992, my mother refused to see him and stayed away from the body all night. She did not want to see him in that way. She always disliked the smell of incense because she associated it with death. She kept the room closed up while the incense was burning. Years later, when my mother passed away at the age of 89 in 2002, my husband and I rushed to my hometown. After 24 hours of traveling from Detroit to Yonago, we arrived at the mortuary hall near midnight. My mother had suffered from several strokes and had been incapacitated for six years before she finally passed away. It was almost a blessing.
We missed the wake service that was comprised of chanting a sutra by the monk, but we joined my family for sushi and beer (lots of beer). They had been drinking, and we saw many empty bottles on the table. Several of my nephews and one older cousin had done a good job on beer consumption and had already retired to their rooms before our arrival. One of my nephews explained to my husband that parents were sad when grandparents died but a funeral meant a party for grandchildren because they were all grown-up and had fewer occasions to gather. As you remember, Japanese people do not invite all the relatives to a wedding, but everybody is invited to a funeral. The young people were happy to see each other. It was a party time for them as well as a celebration for my mother to end her six years of misery. It explains why the younger half of my family was drunk.
Funeral Ceremony (Sooshiki)
The funeral is usually held on the day after the wake. My family waited one extra day so that I could attend the funeral. I was determined to be at my mother’s funeral because I could not make it back when my father died. Japanese funerals take place so quickly that those who live far away and have young children with a job simply cannot rearrange their lives swiftly enough to fly over the ocean in time. Since she died on July 10, the hottest time of the year, she required extra dry ice. Historically, mourners wore white clothes at the funeral, but everybody wears pitch-black outfits nowadays. They also carry rosaries called juzu for praying. Since we do not own juzu, we borrowed two from my sister.
Our funeral took place at the same mortuary hall as the wake. The ceremony was formal, structured, and rehearsed. Two monks read the sutra, family members offered incense in hierarchical order, and visitors followed the family. It is customary for mourners including grown family members and relatives to bring condolence money called kooden in a special white envelope tied with black, white, or silver strings. Kooden can be given either at the wake or at the funeral ceremony. Depending on the relation to the deceased, the amount can be between 5,000 yen (approx. $50) and 50,000 yen (approx. $500), and of course, guests receive a small return gift on the way out. I remember my husband was awfully impressed by my banker niece and nephew, my oldest brother’s children, when they sat at a low table on the tatami (straw mat) floor counted thousands and thousands of kooden money as the family members looked on. Unlike the American way of counting money, Japanese bank clerks skillfully spread bills in a fan shape by swaying their hands in a quick motion and count them fast by fives. It is almost like watching a magic show because they move their hands so swiftly and gracefully. The kooden often helps pay for the funeral expenses.
Cremation (Kasoo)
The family members made a procession to the crematorium by car and taxi after the funeral service. The coffin was then placed on a tray, and we witnessed the sliding of the coffin into the cremation chamber. My oldest brother pushed the button to ignite the oven. The sound was scary, and it was a terrible feeling. I remember my grandmother used to ask not to cremate her because it would be hot. Since the cremation would take a couple of hours to complete, we were led to another area of the crematorium and given lunch while we waited. After picking on our lunch and engaging in superficial conversation, we were taken back to another room to collect her bones. Although I had attended the funerals of my grandmother, uncle, and my friend, I never had to pick up any bones before then. My aunt did not even go to the crematorium when her husband died. She simply could not do it. Now I understood why. When my cremated mother came out, it was truly a shocking sight. I stared at it long and hard. I was surprised I was still standing there. I thought I would pass out. My husband looked just as shocked as I was. My family had told me earlier in detail when my father died how a cremation worked, and I thought I was somewhat prepared, but I was not. My older brother was telling us minutes earlier while we were waiting how shocked he had been when he first attended the occasion for our uncle. The bones were all there, though flesh, skin, hair, and clothing all turned into ashes. I always thought a body came out as a mound of ashes, but I was wrong. The worst thing about cremation was that the family members must pick some of the bones and place them in the urn with chopsticks. I learned later that bodies are cremated in such a temperature that the families can collect the bones with chopsticks. We passed the long chopsticks around the room, and everybody picked one bone at a time starting from her feet, then proceeding upward with the head last. The Adam’s apple is often placed in a separate container since it is most important. I do not remember if the urn was brought home or taken directly to the graveyard. My memory is a blur.
Burial at a Grave (Haka)
A typical grave in Japan is a family grave and it consists of a stone monument and a chamber or a hollow space inside the gravestone for the urns of the family members. After the cremation of the body, the urn may remain at the family home for a number of days or may be taken directly to the cemetery, depending on the local custom.
My father had a local artist create his bronze bust statue when he was in 50s, and it has been displayed in our living room for many years. We thought it was silly and arrogant of him to show such vanity before he even died. When my father turned 60 years old, they selected the temple where they would hold the funeral and purchased our family cemetery plot. They had already inherited from my grandfather their kaimyoo, new Buddhist names, which they needed when they died; therefore, they did not need to purchase them again. The longer the kaimyoo, the more expensive. Their names consisted of eleven Kanji characters that were the longest possible to obtain because my grandfather was the head parishioner of his temple and he was given the names as a gift. Their long kaimyoo impressed but angered our monk who later conducted the funeral ceremony because he could have charged my family substantial amount of money for such a long kaimyoo. My parents also prepaid for the services of chanting sutras for the next twenty years after their deaths. These are not common practice even in Japan, but they were certainly well prepared for their departure; however, I guess their real intention was not to burden their children with a mountain of obligatory expenses after they left. When the moment finally came, we, the children, had a place to bury them without panic, stress and expense. We appreciated their thoughtfulness.
Memorial Service (Hooji)
Again, hooji depends on local customs. The first 7 days and the varying frequency up until the 49th day are particularly important. Japanese people believe that the dead soul passes through several gates before reaching the final gate to the heaven on the 49th day. It is the family’s duty to guide them to the heaven by holding various memorial services. In my hometown, memorial services are held on every 7th day until 49th day. After the 49th day service, the 1st year Obon (Festival of the Dead), the 3rd, 7th, 17th, 25th, and 50th years are the ones that my family gather and celebrate. At a typical memorial service, a monk chants a sutra either at home or at a temple. The family members and relatives visit the grave together, pour water over the gravestone, and decorate it with flowers. They burn incense and pray for the peaceful rest of the deceased. After that, they share a meal.
March 29 of 2008 was my father’s 17th memorial service. My husband and I joined the family for celebration in my hometown, Yonago, Tottori Prefecture. At my deceased parents’ house where nobody resides presently, nineteen people gathered for the ceremony. My oldest brother and his family who live next door within the same property prepared the rooms for the service. They opened up the two rooms to accommodate people to sit together on the tatami floor and listen to the monk chant a sutra. Since I knew my husband and I could not sit on our knees for any more than five minutes, I sneaked two short chairs in the back of the room for us to sit somewhat comfortably six inches off the floor. My sister-in-law and niece brought out tea, coffee, and juice for everyone before the monk arrived and set them on the short table in front of us. A young monk with long spiked hair finally arrived in black kimono, but he excused himself to change into a bright lime green kimono with a purple overcoat. Before he started, he told us that his sutra would last approximately forty minutes so that we should cross our legs and get comfortable. He sat in front of the family altar that was hidden by the screen door and invisible to us from where we sat, but he belted out a long sutra with a strong and loud voice for everyone to be able to hear. He simultaneously beat mokugyoo, the wooden drum, with one hand and kept on chanting. He was burning incense also, and the room was getting smoky. Soon, someone opened the back door slightly for some air. People shifted their legs this way and that way in order to avoid numbness in their legs. My husband and I were rather comfortable in our little chairs. His sutra was beautiful, and I am sure my father appreciated it.
After the long 40-minute sutra, he told us that it was our turn to come up individually and hierarchically to the altar and offer incense, just as we did at my mother’s funeral. Then the young monk sat down on zabuton, a thin cushion, as my sister-in-law brought him a cup of green tea and placed it in front of him on the tatami floor. My husband whispered to me that he did not like to do this thing. I told him to imitate what others were doing and reassured him that he would be fine since he had done it before. However, since we could not see what was happening behind the screen door, I decided to investigate the procedure because we were definitely out of practice. I quietly went up and peeked around the door as my older siblings were offering incense. I whispered to my husband that he should walk up to the altar, sit down to bow first to the monk and then to the rest of the people, take 1-3 pinches of incense and drop them into the burning incense box after bringing each pinch to his forehead, pray to the altar with a rosary in hand, bow again, stand up, and come back to his seat. I did notice that the incense box that was not there earlier appeared. I thought the monk must have brought his own box but I did not dwell on it.
My turn came, and I finished my ceremony successfully. Then it was my husband’s turn. It was going well until he sat down in front of the altar where I could not see what he was doing anymore. People on the other side of the room were watching him intensely because they were curious about my American husband’s ability to perform this Japanese custom of offering incense. A few seconds later, the young monk and my older brother abruptly jumped up and dashed to rescue my husband. My husband was unsure from where he should pinch incense because the monk added his own box, plus several things were burning at the altar. Now he was confused; thus, his fingers wandered from one place to another without knowing what to do as everyone watched on. When his fingers were about to rest on the burning ashes, the two people jumped up, and the young monk grabbed my husband’s hand in time. Once they rescued him, they gave a sigh of relief and went back to their seats, but the young monk forgot about the green tea on the floor and kicked it hard for the full cup of green liquid to splash all over the floor and onto the paper screen door. Now a couple of women jumped up to get towels. The poor monk was so embarrassed that he apologized many times. I later found out that my husband apologized to the monk too.
I thought the whole incident was simply hilarious and could not stop laughing every time I even thought about it. In fact, my older sister and I laughed to tears in the car to the cemetery. On one hand, I felt I should have apologized to the monk for my husband’s ignorance and cause of his kicking the teacup, to my older brother for his rescue attempt, to my oldest brother who inherited our parents’ house for the possibly damaged screen door, and to my husband for my inadequate coaching. However, I decided not to join in the apologizing contest and to ignore the whole situation since there was no harm done to anyone including the old screen door that no one is using today.
American Funerals
In America, there is no one way of describing funerals since its population is so diverse, and each group follows its own unique ritual of resting the deceased depending on their religious background or personal belief. Here, I will describe the ones I have experienced, which are Protestant funerals.
According to Religion/Newswriters, the focus of funerals has recently shifted from a person’s death to celebration of his/her life through informal eulogies, secular music, a slide show, a home movie, etc. I have attended a funeral for my husband’s aunt’s husband (my husband’s uncle-in-law) who was a successful surgeon with six boys in a small northern Michigan town. His funeral was huge. Among several eulogists, a couple of his grown sons went up one at a time and gave a eulogy. They all told stories about what a great man/doctor/father he was. People were crying. One of the boys called his dad a hero in tears, which made me cry too, though I did not know him well. It seems the emphasis of American funerals is on the mourners and their grief as much as on the accomplishments of the deceased. Unlike Japanese funerals, American funerals are personal and emotional.
There are do-it-yourself funerals. Some people do not want to pay a funeral home so that a small in-home funeral movement is taking root. They do the washing, dressing, showing, and burying the dead on their own. Personally, I have never experienced this type of funeral, but this may be an inexpensive way to go if you do not want to spend money on a funeral.
Nowadays, 28 percent of Americans are choosing cremation while 99.8 percent of Japanese of all deceased are cremated. My Swiss neighbor in Toledo, Ohio who was an avid gardener and angler once told us that he wanted to be cremated when he died, and his ashes sprinkled over the ocean. I also found interesting statistics that 42 percent of Americans preferred cremation whereas 40 percent a traditional burial. Why do more and more people want cremation? Is it due to recent and frequent TV and radio advertisement of funeral homes with the emphasis on cremation? Further research led me to the answer that Americans prefer not only affordability of cremation ($800- $3,000), but also its simplicity, dignity, environmentally soundness, and saving of land for future generations. Only difference from the Japanese cremation is Americans do not pick the bones of the deceased into the urn. They leave the job to professionals.
American funeral homes have been busy. Due to the influx of immigrants of Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist religions, local funeral directors have been forced to educate themselves so that they could learn about their religious rites and adapt the services they offer.
The basic American funeral consists of three elements: wake, funeral ceremony, and burial. As soon as a person departs, the body is taken to a funeral home where they perform embalming. According to American Funeral Homes, embalming is the science of the care of the deceased, so dead bodies will stay fresh as long as a week before the funeral and the burial take place. Embalming may have originated in Egypt for the kings and pharaohs with the use of wine, spices, oils, salts, and perfumes. The use of formaldehyde started in 1859 in America and quickly gained acceptance in order to bring dead soldiers home during the Civil War. This procedure is now a common practice all over the country. It not only emphasizes public health and sanitation, but also delays decomposition of the body and offers a temporary disinfection of the corpse along with careful manipulation of the facial features so that the body can be displayed for public viewing in a more pleasing and familiar-looking manner. In Japan, a dead body is washed and put on dry ice with the orifices stuffed with cotton or gauze. Japanese people must rush to hold a wake and a funeral before the body starts decaying. On the other hand, in America, the normal body fluids are replaced with formaldehyde or gluteraldehyde to protect from decay and to fill with sweet orders. Now the deceased is ready for public viewing for farewell.
Wake
When the body is prepared for a wake in a funeral home, relatives, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and community receive visitation and funeral information through word of mouth, phone calls, e-mails, newspaper, etc. Several visitations, which are a few hours at a time and often just before the funeral, are held for mourners. When people arrive at the funeral home, the family members greet them. Mourners express sympathy to the survived family members and pay respect to the dead that lies peacefully and beautifully in a casket covered with flowers in the corner of the room. There may be photos of the deceased and soft music playing in the background.
When a person dies of a long and agonizing disease, it is almost a blessing. When a person goes suddenly without any warning such as a car accident or a heart attack, it is painfully sad to attend the wake or funeral. A good friend of my in-laws died of a massive heart attack in a hotel room all by himself while he was away on business. The family including me went to the funeral home to pay our respects. The distressed widow thanked us for coming and told us the story how he was found and how she was informed of his death. When two men, instead of her husband, appeared at her doorstep, she knew something terrible had happened to him. Her eyes were red and swollen, and it was obvious she had been crying. I do not think I can ever manage the duty of talking to people if my husband just passed away. I admired the way she handled herself.
Funeral Ceremony
Funerals can be at the church of the deceased or at the funeral home where the wake was held. The service by a clergyman can be short and simple, or long and elaborate followed by countless eulogies, music, and other means. When we moved to Elgin, Illinois, we met our next-door neighbor, Joe and Nancy, over the fence. They were nice people. Little did we know, Joe’s brain tumor came back and he died within a year, and we attended the funeral. I remember how stunned I was to see Nancy’s bright turquoise dress. I guess people do not wear pitch-black outfits for the wake and the funeral in this country, though I remember people always wore black clothes often with black sunglasses and a veil in the movies. Then I started paying extra attention to what people wore during wakes and funerals. There is no dress code for funerals in this country, though most of them seem to wear dark-colored or quiet-toned outfits. In Japan, everybody wears pitch-black clothes and pearls for accessories.
Burial
After a funeral, people get in their individual cars and follow the hearse to the cemetery. This procession takes place in an organized manner. All the cars sometimes as many as twenty or thirty with a small funeral flag on line up and march through town to the gravesite with police escort at every traffic light. Cars on the roads give right of way to the funeral procession and never break the line.
When my husband’s grandmother passed away at the age of 102, we all arrived at the cemetery after the funeral and gathered around the coffin that was placed next to the freshly dug, deep, and rectangular hole with a tent over it. The same minister who conducted the funeral gave another short service. Then, it was time to bury her by lowering the beautiful wooden casket into the dark hole. It was not quite as shocking as witnessing a cremated mother; nevertheless, it was just as painful to say good-bye to someone who had been around such a long time.
In America, death announcements appear in the “Obituaries” or “Death Notices” section of the local newspaper. Newspaper companies daily dedicate half a page to a full page to this section. When a person dies, someone from the family contacts the local paper for a fee to inform the public of the wake and funeral details along with the person’s brief history and accomplishments, survivor’s names, family’s wishes concerning flowers and condolences. You often see such requests at the end of each obituary, “In lieu of flowers, memorials to the American Cancer Society are appreciated” or “Condolences to: www.xyz.com.” It is almost humorous to see Internet addresses in the obituary section. Just as for weddings, American people like to specify exactly what they want. Again, the American rationalism pops up even during the saddest occasion such as a funeral. Americans do not want flowers that will wilt in a few days. They would rather have the money donated to the charity for the disease that the deceased died of, so that a cure can be found soon and their loved one’s death will not be wasted.
Japanese funeral customs vary widely from region to region, though most of the services are held in a Buddhist style. A funeral includes the following segments: wake, funeral ceremony, cremation, burial, and periodic memorial services. The average cost for a funeral is four million yen (approx. $40,000), the most expensive in the world.
Wake (Tsuuya)
A deceased body is usually washed at the hospital and brought to the home or to a mortuary hall on the same day to spend overnight for the wake. The body is dressed in a suit, a kimono, or a dress and is placed on dry ice (no embalming in Japan) in a casket. Incense is burned all night in front of the casket in order to guide the soul to heaven so that the soul may not be lost somewhere on this earth.
I remember how scared I was when I had to sleep next to my dead grandmother during the wake. I was only 11 years old, and my younger brother and I were too tired and sleepy to join the adults. My parents and relatives stayed awake all night tending the incense and candles in the same room. Much later, when my father died in 1992, my mother refused to see him and stayed away from the body all night. She did not want to see him in that way. She always disliked the smell of incense because she associated it with death. She kept the room closed up while the incense was burning. Years later, when my mother passed away at the age of 89 in 2002, my husband and I rushed to my hometown. After 24 hours of traveling from Detroit to Yonago, we arrived at the mortuary hall near midnight. My mother had suffered from several strokes and had been incapacitated for six years before she finally passed away. It was almost a blessing.
We missed the wake service that was comprised of chanting a sutra by the monk, but we joined my family for sushi and beer (lots of beer). They had been drinking, and we saw many empty bottles on the table. Several of my nephews and one older cousin had done a good job on beer consumption and had already retired to their rooms before our arrival. One of my nephews explained to my husband that parents were sad when grandparents died but a funeral meant a party for grandchildren because they were all grown-up and had fewer occasions to gather. As you remember, Japanese people do not invite all the relatives to a wedding, but everybody is invited to a funeral. The young people were happy to see each other. It was a party time for them as well as a celebration for my mother to end her six years of misery. It explains why the younger half of my family was drunk.
Funeral Ceremony (Sooshiki)
The funeral is usually held on the day after the wake. My family waited one extra day so that I could attend the funeral. I was determined to be at my mother’s funeral because I could not make it back when my father died. Japanese funerals take place so quickly that those who live far away and have young children with a job simply cannot rearrange their lives swiftly enough to fly over the ocean in time. Since she died on July 10, the hottest time of the year, she required extra dry ice. Historically, mourners wore white clothes at the funeral, but everybody wears pitch-black outfits nowadays. They also carry rosaries called juzu for praying. Since we do not own juzu, we borrowed two from my sister.
Our funeral took place at the same mortuary hall as the wake. The ceremony was formal, structured, and rehearsed. Two monks read the sutra, family members offered incense in hierarchical order, and visitors followed the family. It is customary for mourners including grown family members and relatives to bring condolence money called kooden in a special white envelope tied with black, white, or silver strings. Kooden can be given either at the wake or at the funeral ceremony. Depending on the relation to the deceased, the amount can be between 5,000 yen (approx. $50) and 50,000 yen (approx. $500), and of course, guests receive a small return gift on the way out. I remember my husband was awfully impressed by my banker niece and nephew, my oldest brother’s children, when they sat at a low table on the tatami (straw mat) floor counted thousands and thousands of kooden money as the family members looked on. Unlike the American way of counting money, Japanese bank clerks skillfully spread bills in a fan shape by swaying their hands in a quick motion and count them fast by fives. It is almost like watching a magic show because they move their hands so swiftly and gracefully. The kooden often helps pay for the funeral expenses.
Cremation (Kasoo)
The family members made a procession to the crematorium by car and taxi after the funeral service. The coffin was then placed on a tray, and we witnessed the sliding of the coffin into the cremation chamber. My oldest brother pushed the button to ignite the oven. The sound was scary, and it was a terrible feeling. I remember my grandmother used to ask not to cremate her because it would be hot. Since the cremation would take a couple of hours to complete, we were led to another area of the crematorium and given lunch while we waited. After picking on our lunch and engaging in superficial conversation, we were taken back to another room to collect her bones. Although I had attended the funerals of my grandmother, uncle, and my friend, I never had to pick up any bones before then. My aunt did not even go to the crematorium when her husband died. She simply could not do it. Now I understood why. When my cremated mother came out, it was truly a shocking sight. I stared at it long and hard. I was surprised I was still standing there. I thought I would pass out. My husband looked just as shocked as I was. My family had told me earlier in detail when my father died how a cremation worked, and I thought I was somewhat prepared, but I was not. My older brother was telling us minutes earlier while we were waiting how shocked he had been when he first attended the occasion for our uncle. The bones were all there, though flesh, skin, hair, and clothing all turned into ashes. I always thought a body came out as a mound of ashes, but I was wrong. The worst thing about cremation was that the family members must pick some of the bones and place them in the urn with chopsticks. I learned later that bodies are cremated in such a temperature that the families can collect the bones with chopsticks. We passed the long chopsticks around the room, and everybody picked one bone at a time starting from her feet, then proceeding upward with the head last. The Adam’s apple is often placed in a separate container since it is most important. I do not remember if the urn was brought home or taken directly to the graveyard. My memory is a blur.
Burial at a Grave (Haka)
A typical grave in Japan is a family grave and it consists of a stone monument and a chamber or a hollow space inside the gravestone for the urns of the family members. After the cremation of the body, the urn may remain at the family home for a number of days or may be taken directly to the cemetery, depending on the local custom.
My father had a local artist create his bronze bust statue when he was in 50s, and it has been displayed in our living room for many years. We thought it was silly and arrogant of him to show such vanity before he even died. When my father turned 60 years old, they selected the temple where they would hold the funeral and purchased our family cemetery plot. They had already inherited from my grandfather their kaimyoo, new Buddhist names, which they needed when they died; therefore, they did not need to purchase them again. The longer the kaimyoo, the more expensive. Their names consisted of eleven Kanji characters that were the longest possible to obtain because my grandfather was the head parishioner of his temple and he was given the names as a gift. Their long kaimyoo impressed but angered our monk who later conducted the funeral ceremony because he could have charged my family substantial amount of money for such a long kaimyoo. My parents also prepaid for the services of chanting sutras for the next twenty years after their deaths. These are not common practice even in Japan, but they were certainly well prepared for their departure; however, I guess their real intention was not to burden their children with a mountain of obligatory expenses after they left. When the moment finally came, we, the children, had a place to bury them without panic, stress and expense. We appreciated their thoughtfulness.
Memorial Service (Hooji)
Again, hooji depends on local customs. The first 7 days and the varying frequency up until the 49th day are particularly important. Japanese people believe that the dead soul passes through several gates before reaching the final gate to the heaven on the 49th day. It is the family’s duty to guide them to the heaven by holding various memorial services. In my hometown, memorial services are held on every 7th day until 49th day. After the 49th day service, the 1st year Obon (Festival of the Dead), the 3rd, 7th, 17th, 25th, and 50th years are the ones that my family gather and celebrate. At a typical memorial service, a monk chants a sutra either at home or at a temple. The family members and relatives visit the grave together, pour water over the gravestone, and decorate it with flowers. They burn incense and pray for the peaceful rest of the deceased. After that, they share a meal.
March 29 of 2008 was my father’s 17th memorial service. My husband and I joined the family for celebration in my hometown, Yonago, Tottori Prefecture. At my deceased parents’ house where nobody resides presently, nineteen people gathered for the ceremony. My oldest brother and his family who live next door within the same property prepared the rooms for the service. They opened up the two rooms to accommodate people to sit together on the tatami floor and listen to the monk chant a sutra. Since I knew my husband and I could not sit on our knees for any more than five minutes, I sneaked two short chairs in the back of the room for us to sit somewhat comfortably six inches off the floor. My sister-in-law and niece brought out tea, coffee, and juice for everyone before the monk arrived and set them on the short table in front of us. A young monk with long spiked hair finally arrived in black kimono, but he excused himself to change into a bright lime green kimono with a purple overcoat. Before he started, he told us that his sutra would last approximately forty minutes so that we should cross our legs and get comfortable. He sat in front of the family altar that was hidden by the screen door and invisible to us from where we sat, but he belted out a long sutra with a strong and loud voice for everyone to be able to hear. He simultaneously beat mokugyoo, the wooden drum, with one hand and kept on chanting. He was burning incense also, and the room was getting smoky. Soon, someone opened the back door slightly for some air. People shifted their legs this way and that way in order to avoid numbness in their legs. My husband and I were rather comfortable in our little chairs. His sutra was beautiful, and I am sure my father appreciated it.
After the long 40-minute sutra, he told us that it was our turn to come up individually and hierarchically to the altar and offer incense, just as we did at my mother’s funeral. Then the young monk sat down on zabuton, a thin cushion, as my sister-in-law brought him a cup of green tea and placed it in front of him on the tatami floor. My husband whispered to me that he did not like to do this thing. I told him to imitate what others were doing and reassured him that he would be fine since he had done it before. However, since we could not see what was happening behind the screen door, I decided to investigate the procedure because we were definitely out of practice. I quietly went up and peeked around the door as my older siblings were offering incense. I whispered to my husband that he should walk up to the altar, sit down to bow first to the monk and then to the rest of the people, take 1-3 pinches of incense and drop them into the burning incense box after bringing each pinch to his forehead, pray to the altar with a rosary in hand, bow again, stand up, and come back to his seat. I did notice that the incense box that was not there earlier appeared. I thought the monk must have brought his own box but I did not dwell on it.
My turn came, and I finished my ceremony successfully. Then it was my husband’s turn. It was going well until he sat down in front of the altar where I could not see what he was doing anymore. People on the other side of the room were watching him intensely because they were curious about my American husband’s ability to perform this Japanese custom of offering incense. A few seconds later, the young monk and my older brother abruptly jumped up and dashed to rescue my husband. My husband was unsure from where he should pinch incense because the monk added his own box, plus several things were burning at the altar. Now he was confused; thus, his fingers wandered from one place to another without knowing what to do as everyone watched on. When his fingers were about to rest on the burning ashes, the two people jumped up, and the young monk grabbed my husband’s hand in time. Once they rescued him, they gave a sigh of relief and went back to their seats, but the young monk forgot about the green tea on the floor and kicked it hard for the full cup of green liquid to splash all over the floor and onto the paper screen door. Now a couple of women jumped up to get towels. The poor monk was so embarrassed that he apologized many times. I later found out that my husband apologized to the monk too.
I thought the whole incident was simply hilarious and could not stop laughing every time I even thought about it. In fact, my older sister and I laughed to tears in the car to the cemetery. On one hand, I felt I should have apologized to the monk for my husband’s ignorance and cause of his kicking the teacup, to my older brother for his rescue attempt, to my oldest brother who inherited our parents’ house for the possibly damaged screen door, and to my husband for my inadequate coaching. However, I decided not to join in the apologizing contest and to ignore the whole situation since there was no harm done to anyone including the old screen door that no one is using today.
American Funerals
In America, there is no one way of describing funerals since its population is so diverse, and each group follows its own unique ritual of resting the deceased depending on their religious background or personal belief. Here, I will describe the ones I have experienced, which are Protestant funerals.
According to Religion/Newswriters, the focus of funerals has recently shifted from a person’s death to celebration of his/her life through informal eulogies, secular music, a slide show, a home movie, etc. I have attended a funeral for my husband’s aunt’s husband (my husband’s uncle-in-law) who was a successful surgeon with six boys in a small northern Michigan town. His funeral was huge. Among several eulogists, a couple of his grown sons went up one at a time and gave a eulogy. They all told stories about what a great man/doctor/father he was. People were crying. One of the boys called his dad a hero in tears, which made me cry too, though I did not know him well. It seems the emphasis of American funerals is on the mourners and their grief as much as on the accomplishments of the deceased. Unlike Japanese funerals, American funerals are personal and emotional.
There are do-it-yourself funerals. Some people do not want to pay a funeral home so that a small in-home funeral movement is taking root. They do the washing, dressing, showing, and burying the dead on their own. Personally, I have never experienced this type of funeral, but this may be an inexpensive way to go if you do not want to spend money on a funeral.
Nowadays, 28 percent of Americans are choosing cremation while 99.8 percent of Japanese of all deceased are cremated. My Swiss neighbor in Toledo, Ohio who was an avid gardener and angler once told us that he wanted to be cremated when he died, and his ashes sprinkled over the ocean. I also found interesting statistics that 42 percent of Americans preferred cremation whereas 40 percent a traditional burial. Why do more and more people want cremation? Is it due to recent and frequent TV and radio advertisement of funeral homes with the emphasis on cremation? Further research led me to the answer that Americans prefer not only affordability of cremation ($800- $3,000), but also its simplicity, dignity, environmentally soundness, and saving of land for future generations. Only difference from the Japanese cremation is Americans do not pick the bones of the deceased into the urn. They leave the job to professionals.
American funeral homes have been busy. Due to the influx of immigrants of Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist religions, local funeral directors have been forced to educate themselves so that they could learn about their religious rites and adapt the services they offer.
The basic American funeral consists of three elements: wake, funeral ceremony, and burial. As soon as a person departs, the body is taken to a funeral home where they perform embalming. According to American Funeral Homes, embalming is the science of the care of the deceased, so dead bodies will stay fresh as long as a week before the funeral and the burial take place. Embalming may have originated in Egypt for the kings and pharaohs with the use of wine, spices, oils, salts, and perfumes. The use of formaldehyde started in 1859 in America and quickly gained acceptance in order to bring dead soldiers home during the Civil War. This procedure is now a common practice all over the country. It not only emphasizes public health and sanitation, but also delays decomposition of the body and offers a temporary disinfection of the corpse along with careful manipulation of the facial features so that the body can be displayed for public viewing in a more pleasing and familiar-looking manner. In Japan, a dead body is washed and put on dry ice with the orifices stuffed with cotton or gauze. Japanese people must rush to hold a wake and a funeral before the body starts decaying. On the other hand, in America, the normal body fluids are replaced with formaldehyde or gluteraldehyde to protect from decay and to fill with sweet orders. Now the deceased is ready for public viewing for farewell.
Wake
When the body is prepared for a wake in a funeral home, relatives, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and community receive visitation and funeral information through word of mouth, phone calls, e-mails, newspaper, etc. Several visitations, which are a few hours at a time and often just before the funeral, are held for mourners. When people arrive at the funeral home, the family members greet them. Mourners express sympathy to the survived family members and pay respect to the dead that lies peacefully and beautifully in a casket covered with flowers in the corner of the room. There may be photos of the deceased and soft music playing in the background.
When a person dies of a long and agonizing disease, it is almost a blessing. When a person goes suddenly without any warning such as a car accident or a heart attack, it is painfully sad to attend the wake or funeral. A good friend of my in-laws died of a massive heart attack in a hotel room all by himself while he was away on business. The family including me went to the funeral home to pay our respects. The distressed widow thanked us for coming and told us the story how he was found and how she was informed of his death. When two men, instead of her husband, appeared at her doorstep, she knew something terrible had happened to him. Her eyes were red and swollen, and it was obvious she had been crying. I do not think I can ever manage the duty of talking to people if my husband just passed away. I admired the way she handled herself.
Funeral Ceremony
Funerals can be at the church of the deceased or at the funeral home where the wake was held. The service by a clergyman can be short and simple, or long and elaborate followed by countless eulogies, music, and other means. When we moved to Elgin, Illinois, we met our next-door neighbor, Joe and Nancy, over the fence. They were nice people. Little did we know, Joe’s brain tumor came back and he died within a year, and we attended the funeral. I remember how stunned I was to see Nancy’s bright turquoise dress. I guess people do not wear pitch-black outfits for the wake and the funeral in this country, though I remember people always wore black clothes often with black sunglasses and a veil in the movies. Then I started paying extra attention to what people wore during wakes and funerals. There is no dress code for funerals in this country, though most of them seem to wear dark-colored or quiet-toned outfits. In Japan, everybody wears pitch-black clothes and pearls for accessories.
Burial
After a funeral, people get in their individual cars and follow the hearse to the cemetery. This procession takes place in an organized manner. All the cars sometimes as many as twenty or thirty with a small funeral flag on line up and march through town to the gravesite with police escort at every traffic light. Cars on the roads give right of way to the funeral procession and never break the line.
When my husband’s grandmother passed away at the age of 102, we all arrived at the cemetery after the funeral and gathered around the coffin that was placed next to the freshly dug, deep, and rectangular hole with a tent over it. The same minister who conducted the funeral gave another short service. Then, it was time to bury her by lowering the beautiful wooden casket into the dark hole. It was not quite as shocking as witnessing a cremated mother; nevertheless, it was just as painful to say good-bye to someone who had been around such a long time.
In America, death announcements appear in the “Obituaries” or “Death Notices” section of the local newspaper. Newspaper companies daily dedicate half a page to a full page to this section. When a person dies, someone from the family contacts the local paper for a fee to inform the public of the wake and funeral details along with the person’s brief history and accomplishments, survivor’s names, family’s wishes concerning flowers and condolences. You often see such requests at the end of each obituary, “In lieu of flowers, memorials to the American Cancer Society are appreciated” or “Condolences to: www.xyz.com.” It is almost humorous to see Internet addresses in the obituary section. Just as for weddings, American people like to specify exactly what they want. Again, the American rationalism pops up even during the saddest occasion such as a funeral. Americans do not want flowers that will wilt in a few days. They would rather have the money donated to the charity for the disease that the deceased died of, so that a cure can be found soon and their loved one’s death will not be wasted.
Wedding
Japanese Wedding
Traditional Japanese weddings follow Shinto or Buddhist customs, though the Shinto ceremony is far more common than Buddhist one is. The ceremony, which is generally attended only by the families and relatives, is simple and lasts about thirty minutes. The bride wears long and layered white kimono with an elaborate wig called takashimada and a white headdress called tsunokakushi. The tsunokakushi, horn hider, symbolizes the idealistic wife who endures hardships without showing temper and jealousy. The groom wears kimono, black haori (a happi-coat) with his family crest printed on, and hakama (a pleated skirt). At the end of the ceremony, the couple exchanges san-san-kudo, (literally means 3 – 3 – 9 times), the bride and groom taking three sips each of sake from three different-sized lacquer-ware cups.
For the last twenty years, Japanese weddings have taken changes. They are celebrated in a variety of ways; many contemporary weddings are a mixture of Japanese and Christian elements, though most of the Japanese people are not Christian. People like the idea of being married at a church in a white wedding dress with a veil and a tuxedo, just like they celebrate Christmas by eating chicken (turkey is unavailable in Japan) and cake and by exchanging gifts even when they are not Christian. They feel modern and westernized by adopting favorite parts of other cultures. It is also popular for young couples to get married in exotic places such as Hawaii and Tahiti.
Japanese wedding receptions are generally formal, structured, and extravagant. Guests include family members, relatives (only two people per family), friends, co-workers, and superiors of the bride and groom. Popular reception places are wedding halls, hotels, and large restaurants. There are many complimentary speeches from guests and many toasts throughout the reception. The bride is busy changing her outfits two or three times, from colorful kimono to an evening dress and back to kimono, or vice versa. At one point, the bride and groom may come out in another new outfit with a long sparkling candle or a Japanese paper umbrella. It is like a show.
Wedding gifts are often cash only. It should be enclosed in a special envelope called noshibukuro that is red and white tied with gold and silver cords. I hear that today’s standard amount of gift for friends is 30,000 yen (approx. $300) and for relatives 100,000 yen (approx. $1,000). The average cost of a typical reception party is a couple million yen (approx. $20,000-$30,000). You may think everything is expensive in Japan, though it is not that expensive since the bride and groom or their parents generally pay for the transportation, hotel, and food for the out-of-town guests; thus, you are getting part of the gift money back. In addition to the payback, all the guests receive a gift called hikidemono such as a set of small dishes, a vase, or a jewelry box of lacquer-ware, etc on the way out. The people believe that they return part of the monetary gift back to the guests by giving the hikidemono. The Japanese people do not feel right about keeping all the money; therefore, they always return approximately one third of what they receive in some form.
American Wedding
In America, there are no rules. Weddings can be religious or secular. They can be at a Protestant, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim church/synagogue/temple. They can also be at a friend’s backyard, a beach, the top of a mountain, Las Vegas, City Hall, or a Justice of the Peace, as long as a clergyperson or someone legally certified marries the two people. The dress code is completely unlimited for the bride and groom. The bride can wear a sundress, kimono (like the one I wore), or a white bridal gown with short or long veil. The groom can wear a light or dark suit or a tuxedo. The wedding receptions can be a potluck dinner with a store-bought cake at a friend’s backyard, a catered finger-food party at a swim/tennis club, a buffet dinner at a country club, or a sit-down dinner at a hotel wedding hall. Yes, the sky is the limit. The young couple can celebrate their special day in the way they can afford and they want. The wedding ceremony is generally beautiful, personal, and emotional. The reception is a true celebration with food, drinks, music and dancing unlike the Japanese counterpart.
As soon as a couple announces their engagement, a string of events follows. The bride chooses Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids, and the groom Best Man and groomsmen. (Usually the same number of people is selected for the bride and groom. They can be as many as ten girls and boys on each side.) It is an honor to be asked to be Maid of Honor and Best Man because they must be dependable and trustworthy enough to assist them with the wedding planning process and the ceremony on the wedding day. Major responsibilities for Maid of Honor are to help shop for bride’s dress and bridal party attire, host the bridal shower, plan bachelorette party, and physical assistance for the bride on the wedding day. Best Man arranges tuxedos, hosts bachelor party, and pays the officiant and other wedding vendors. Guests receive an invitation along with the names of department stores where the couple is registered for the wedding gifts. Gifts can be cash or items that the couple selected at the local stores, such as pots and pans, dinner plates, silverware, towels, sheets, blankets, small appliances, home decors, etc. and how many. This is what I call American rationalism: the concept of “Why don’t you give us what we want? You are going to give us a gift anyway. If you give us what we don’t want, we will return and exchange them with what we want anyway.” It makes sense, and everybody buys into this idea. Meantime, guests receive another invitation for the bridal shower that they are requested to bring another smaller gift or two. This is when many people cringe, but no one objects to it. After all, this is a happy occasion, and nobody wants to spoil it. The couple is determined to decorate their whole house with wedding gifts. On occasion, guests feel angry and disappointed when the couple splits up soon after their lavish wedding fiasco. There should be a rule that all the gifts are to be returned if the couple cannot successfully pass the first year anniversary. That may give them an incentive to stay together longer. Guests usually receive a thank-you note but not a return gift as in Japan. Just before the wedding, bachelor and bachelorette parties are held separately with the friends of the same sex. They can be a fun night-out with girls or boys only at a restaurant or a bar, a skiing or fishing trip for guys, or a nasty drinking party with strippers because this is the last chance to be a single.
If you are young, have many friends who are getting married, and are often asked to be in a wedding, you need a small fortune to feel part of the group today in America. A typical bridesmaid who lives far needs to pay for a dress and shoes for the wedding, airfare and hotel rooms for the shower, bachelorette party, and wedding, plus a shower gift and a wedding gift. It can be quite costly. It can be an expensive weekend for the guests as well since the expenses such as transportation, hotel room, and food are not the couple’s responsibility.
East or West, weddings are expensive. People say three daughters will bankrupt the parents. That is well said. Our one daughter is married, and two more to go for us. In Japan, wedding expenses are often divided in half between the bride and groom’s families, though the groom’s family has already given approximately $10,000 for the purchase of the household items for the newly wed’s home. In America, there is no such custom of betrothal money; therefore, the couple needs to solicit from the guests to the point of greed. I call this American rationalism again. My daughter told me that the bride’s family customarily pays for all the wedding expenses in the U.S. but we should be thankful because in her case the groom’s family and the couple also pitched in. This same daughter once told me when she was young that we should be glad that Santa Clause brought her bicycle and we did not have to pay for it. Huh?
Traditional Japanese weddings follow Shinto or Buddhist customs, though the Shinto ceremony is far more common than Buddhist one is. The ceremony, which is generally attended only by the families and relatives, is simple and lasts about thirty minutes. The bride wears long and layered white kimono with an elaborate wig called takashimada and a white headdress called tsunokakushi. The tsunokakushi, horn hider, symbolizes the idealistic wife who endures hardships without showing temper and jealousy. The groom wears kimono, black haori (a happi-coat) with his family crest printed on, and hakama (a pleated skirt). At the end of the ceremony, the couple exchanges san-san-kudo, (literally means 3 – 3 – 9 times), the bride and groom taking three sips each of sake from three different-sized lacquer-ware cups.
For the last twenty years, Japanese weddings have taken changes. They are celebrated in a variety of ways; many contemporary weddings are a mixture of Japanese and Christian elements, though most of the Japanese people are not Christian. People like the idea of being married at a church in a white wedding dress with a veil and a tuxedo, just like they celebrate Christmas by eating chicken (turkey is unavailable in Japan) and cake and by exchanging gifts even when they are not Christian. They feel modern and westernized by adopting favorite parts of other cultures. It is also popular for young couples to get married in exotic places such as Hawaii and Tahiti.
Japanese wedding receptions are generally formal, structured, and extravagant. Guests include family members, relatives (only two people per family), friends, co-workers, and superiors of the bride and groom. Popular reception places are wedding halls, hotels, and large restaurants. There are many complimentary speeches from guests and many toasts throughout the reception. The bride is busy changing her outfits two or three times, from colorful kimono to an evening dress and back to kimono, or vice versa. At one point, the bride and groom may come out in another new outfit with a long sparkling candle or a Japanese paper umbrella. It is like a show.
Wedding gifts are often cash only. It should be enclosed in a special envelope called noshibukuro that is red and white tied with gold and silver cords. I hear that today’s standard amount of gift for friends is 30,000 yen (approx. $300) and for relatives 100,000 yen (approx. $1,000). The average cost of a typical reception party is a couple million yen (approx. $20,000-$30,000). You may think everything is expensive in Japan, though it is not that expensive since the bride and groom or their parents generally pay for the transportation, hotel, and food for the out-of-town guests; thus, you are getting part of the gift money back. In addition to the payback, all the guests receive a gift called hikidemono such as a set of small dishes, a vase, or a jewelry box of lacquer-ware, etc on the way out. The people believe that they return part of the monetary gift back to the guests by giving the hikidemono. The Japanese people do not feel right about keeping all the money; therefore, they always return approximately one third of what they receive in some form.
American Wedding
In America, there are no rules. Weddings can be religious or secular. They can be at a Protestant, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim church/synagogue/temple. They can also be at a friend’s backyard, a beach, the top of a mountain, Las Vegas, City Hall, or a Justice of the Peace, as long as a clergyperson or someone legally certified marries the two people. The dress code is completely unlimited for the bride and groom. The bride can wear a sundress, kimono (like the one I wore), or a white bridal gown with short or long veil. The groom can wear a light or dark suit or a tuxedo. The wedding receptions can be a potluck dinner with a store-bought cake at a friend’s backyard, a catered finger-food party at a swim/tennis club, a buffet dinner at a country club, or a sit-down dinner at a hotel wedding hall. Yes, the sky is the limit. The young couple can celebrate their special day in the way they can afford and they want. The wedding ceremony is generally beautiful, personal, and emotional. The reception is a true celebration with food, drinks, music and dancing unlike the Japanese counterpart.
As soon as a couple announces their engagement, a string of events follows. The bride chooses Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids, and the groom Best Man and groomsmen. (Usually the same number of people is selected for the bride and groom. They can be as many as ten girls and boys on each side.) It is an honor to be asked to be Maid of Honor and Best Man because they must be dependable and trustworthy enough to assist them with the wedding planning process and the ceremony on the wedding day. Major responsibilities for Maid of Honor are to help shop for bride’s dress and bridal party attire, host the bridal shower, plan bachelorette party, and physical assistance for the bride on the wedding day. Best Man arranges tuxedos, hosts bachelor party, and pays the officiant and other wedding vendors. Guests receive an invitation along with the names of department stores where the couple is registered for the wedding gifts. Gifts can be cash or items that the couple selected at the local stores, such as pots and pans, dinner plates, silverware, towels, sheets, blankets, small appliances, home decors, etc. and how many. This is what I call American rationalism: the concept of “Why don’t you give us what we want? You are going to give us a gift anyway. If you give us what we don’t want, we will return and exchange them with what we want anyway.” It makes sense, and everybody buys into this idea. Meantime, guests receive another invitation for the bridal shower that they are requested to bring another smaller gift or two. This is when many people cringe, but no one objects to it. After all, this is a happy occasion, and nobody wants to spoil it. The couple is determined to decorate their whole house with wedding gifts. On occasion, guests feel angry and disappointed when the couple splits up soon after their lavish wedding fiasco. There should be a rule that all the gifts are to be returned if the couple cannot successfully pass the first year anniversary. That may give them an incentive to stay together longer. Guests usually receive a thank-you note but not a return gift as in Japan. Just before the wedding, bachelor and bachelorette parties are held separately with the friends of the same sex. They can be a fun night-out with girls or boys only at a restaurant or a bar, a skiing or fishing trip for guys, or a nasty drinking party with strippers because this is the last chance to be a single.
If you are young, have many friends who are getting married, and are often asked to be in a wedding, you need a small fortune to feel part of the group today in America. A typical bridesmaid who lives far needs to pay for a dress and shoes for the wedding, airfare and hotel rooms for the shower, bachelorette party, and wedding, plus a shower gift and a wedding gift. It can be quite costly. It can be an expensive weekend for the guests as well since the expenses such as transportation, hotel room, and food are not the couple’s responsibility.
East or West, weddings are expensive. People say three daughters will bankrupt the parents. That is well said. Our one daughter is married, and two more to go for us. In Japan, wedding expenses are often divided in half between the bride and groom’s families, though the groom’s family has already given approximately $10,000 for the purchase of the household items for the newly wed’s home. In America, there is no such custom of betrothal money; therefore, the couple needs to solicit from the guests to the point of greed. I call this American rationalism again. My daughter told me that the bride’s family customarily pays for all the wedding expenses in the U.S. but we should be thankful because in her case the groom’s family and the couple also pitched in. This same daughter once told me when she was young that we should be glad that Santa Clause brought her bicycle and we did not have to pay for it. Huh?
Marriage
Japanese Marriage
Traditionally, love follows marriage in Japan while love precedes marriage in the West. All the marriages in Japan were arranged when my parents became united about seventy years ago. It was almost a crime to think about choosing your own life-mate then since people considered marriage en or karma. Marriage was considered as a union between two families, not for two people. It was customary for parents to decide their children’s destiny and for children to obey their parents’ decision silently. My father’s father was a teacher, and my father was one of the ten children. My mother’s father was a banker, and my mother was the youngest of the three. Their parents knew of each other and arranged the marriage. My mother had seen a picture of my father but never met him until the wedding day. The five boys who were all dressed up in formal kimono/hakama outfits were scurrying about just before the ceremony, and my mother had no idea which one was her husband-to-be. In fact, she thought his taller and better-looking older brother was the one. It was a joke they laughed about a long after they had six children.
Out of the six children in my family, five marriages were arranged, and only one was a love/free marriage. (Yes, I not only broke the record but also caused headaches for my family by marrying an American.) Unlike my parents’ marriage, my siblings were fortunate enough to be able to accept or reject an offer when a nakoodo or a go-between brought an endan or a marriage proposal to our family. Thirty or forty years ago, there were plenty of matchmakers in every town. They were often older women with no professional training and they simply enjoyed uniting young couples for a fee under the table. If there was a marriageable son or daughter in a family, a go-between would be at his/her doorstep with pictures and a resume of a perspective partner. After exchanging photos and personal backgrounds, if there was a favorable first impression for both sides, the two people were arranged to meet in a coffee shop, a restaurant, or a hotel lobby accompanied by a go-between and parents of both parties. If they liked each other even slightly after the initial meeting, they would go somewhere alone without the curious spectators in order to get to know each other further. They would continue to date until they decided to be married. If they did not like each other, they would simply tell the nakoodo that there was no en or they were not meant to be, no need to tell the real reason. There was no nasty break-up, simple and easy. When things progressed accordingly, it was time to hire someone from kooshinjo or a private inquiry agency and investigate each other’s background, especially criminal and mental history of the family. The agent would visit neighbors and work place to obtain necessary information. Another task for the agent was to ensure the partner’s family was not one of the Japanese untouchables called burakumin, eta or yotsu. Historically, their occupations (butchers, gravediggers, leather artisans) were believed to be unclean and impure by the religious authorities; thus, they must be shunned and cast out of society. Even today, burakumin are considered sub-human, and they are discriminated against and avoided.
When all check out, and the couple becomes engaged, the groom’s family delivers to the bride’s home yuinoo, a formal exchange of betrothal gifts. They exchange obi (a sash) for female virtue and hakama (a pleated skirt) for male fidelity. Other gifts include as many as nine items of happiness and fortune such as naganoshi (abalone), katsuobushi (dried bonito), konbu (dried kelp), etc. The groom’s family presents yuinookin (betrothal money) to the bride’s family. This is a contribution from the groom to help purchase the household goods for their new home. The average amount of yuinookin nowadays is 1,000,000 yen (approx. $10,000).
For the last twenty years, many young Japanese seem to have decided not to marry but enjoy carefree single’s lives without rigid customs and traditions. Young couples used to save money to buy their dream house when they retire, whereas young people now are buying electronics and cars, traveling overseas, skiing in winter and playing tennis and golf in summer, and just celebrating freedom. The children of my siblings are not exceptions, either. I have eleven nephews and nieces between ages 41-24 in Japan, but only three are married, and two of them have one child each. What is going on in Japan? I am not the only one who is worried about this phenomenon. The Japanese government has been begging young people to marry and produce babies for years. Who is going to take care of aging baby boomers? One of the reasons why many of the young people are unmarried is that there are much fewer go-betweens who used to knock on doors with marriage proposals. Nobody can argue that it was, after all, a convenient and reliable service. Today, young people must be responsible to find their life-mates on their own. Some of them are not simply outgoing enough to ask someone out for a date. There are matchmaking agencies such as the Japanese version of E-Harmony, but they are expensive and not as effective as good old nakoodo-san. Although fewer people are getting married in Japan, most of those who do marry choose their partner out of love. The arranged marriage will be a thing in the past soon. The irony of love/free marriage is the number of divorces that was near zero during my parents’ generation is now increasing.
American Marriage
In America, marriage takes place after two people fall in love. I do not know any couple who had an arranged marriage in the Japanese fashion. Dating is common among high school students. I saw many students hugging and kissing in the hallways. Schools, parents, and community encourage youngsters to romance by hosting activities such as dance, homecoming, and prom parties. Some marry their high school sweethearts, some college sweethearts, and others marry those who meet at work, church, bars, sporting events, or any other places. People easily fall in love and get married. Some girls are getting pregnant at early ages. I had several high school students having babies out of wedlock while they attended school. One junior boy in my classroom became a father and passed blue suckers for the place of cigars during class. This will not happen in Japan. American schools are understanding and accommodating for these students. American families are also more tolerant of other cultures than Japanese people are. I remember how accepting my husband’s family was when I joined them, whereas my family in Japan was ready to disown me, though they luckily came to their senses and accepted our marriage at the last minute and blessed us.
People fall in love as easily as they fall out of love and get a divorce in this country. It is sad to report the divorce rate in the U. S. is 50 %. This is because they have been trained to worry only about their personal happiness and they know their family members and friends will accept their decision unconditionally. It is good and bad. They have no pressure from anyone to make their marriage work and they do not seem to know how to endure difficult times. They should hire a private detective to check each other’s backgrounds thoroughly before they get married as Japanese people used to do. That might eliminate some of the problems.
Traditionally, love follows marriage in Japan while love precedes marriage in the West. All the marriages in Japan were arranged when my parents became united about seventy years ago. It was almost a crime to think about choosing your own life-mate then since people considered marriage en or karma. Marriage was considered as a union between two families, not for two people. It was customary for parents to decide their children’s destiny and for children to obey their parents’ decision silently. My father’s father was a teacher, and my father was one of the ten children. My mother’s father was a banker, and my mother was the youngest of the three. Their parents knew of each other and arranged the marriage. My mother had seen a picture of my father but never met him until the wedding day. The five boys who were all dressed up in formal kimono/hakama outfits were scurrying about just before the ceremony, and my mother had no idea which one was her husband-to-be. In fact, she thought his taller and better-looking older brother was the one. It was a joke they laughed about a long after they had six children.
Out of the six children in my family, five marriages were arranged, and only one was a love/free marriage. (Yes, I not only broke the record but also caused headaches for my family by marrying an American.) Unlike my parents’ marriage, my siblings were fortunate enough to be able to accept or reject an offer when a nakoodo or a go-between brought an endan or a marriage proposal to our family. Thirty or forty years ago, there were plenty of matchmakers in every town. They were often older women with no professional training and they simply enjoyed uniting young couples for a fee under the table. If there was a marriageable son or daughter in a family, a go-between would be at his/her doorstep with pictures and a resume of a perspective partner. After exchanging photos and personal backgrounds, if there was a favorable first impression for both sides, the two people were arranged to meet in a coffee shop, a restaurant, or a hotel lobby accompanied by a go-between and parents of both parties. If they liked each other even slightly after the initial meeting, they would go somewhere alone without the curious spectators in order to get to know each other further. They would continue to date until they decided to be married. If they did not like each other, they would simply tell the nakoodo that there was no en or they were not meant to be, no need to tell the real reason. There was no nasty break-up, simple and easy. When things progressed accordingly, it was time to hire someone from kooshinjo or a private inquiry agency and investigate each other’s background, especially criminal and mental history of the family. The agent would visit neighbors and work place to obtain necessary information. Another task for the agent was to ensure the partner’s family was not one of the Japanese untouchables called burakumin, eta or yotsu. Historically, their occupations (butchers, gravediggers, leather artisans) were believed to be unclean and impure by the religious authorities; thus, they must be shunned and cast out of society. Even today, burakumin are considered sub-human, and they are discriminated against and avoided.
When all check out, and the couple becomes engaged, the groom’s family delivers to the bride’s home yuinoo, a formal exchange of betrothal gifts. They exchange obi (a sash) for female virtue and hakama (a pleated skirt) for male fidelity. Other gifts include as many as nine items of happiness and fortune such as naganoshi (abalone), katsuobushi (dried bonito), konbu (dried kelp), etc. The groom’s family presents yuinookin (betrothal money) to the bride’s family. This is a contribution from the groom to help purchase the household goods for their new home. The average amount of yuinookin nowadays is 1,000,000 yen (approx. $10,000).
For the last twenty years, many young Japanese seem to have decided not to marry but enjoy carefree single’s lives without rigid customs and traditions. Young couples used to save money to buy their dream house when they retire, whereas young people now are buying electronics and cars, traveling overseas, skiing in winter and playing tennis and golf in summer, and just celebrating freedom. The children of my siblings are not exceptions, either. I have eleven nephews and nieces between ages 41-24 in Japan, but only three are married, and two of them have one child each. What is going on in Japan? I am not the only one who is worried about this phenomenon. The Japanese government has been begging young people to marry and produce babies for years. Who is going to take care of aging baby boomers? One of the reasons why many of the young people are unmarried is that there are much fewer go-betweens who used to knock on doors with marriage proposals. Nobody can argue that it was, after all, a convenient and reliable service. Today, young people must be responsible to find their life-mates on their own. Some of them are not simply outgoing enough to ask someone out for a date. There are matchmaking agencies such as the Japanese version of E-Harmony, but they are expensive and not as effective as good old nakoodo-san. Although fewer people are getting married in Japan, most of those who do marry choose their partner out of love. The arranged marriage will be a thing in the past soon. The irony of love/free marriage is the number of divorces that was near zero during my parents’ generation is now increasing.
American Marriage
In America, marriage takes place after two people fall in love. I do not know any couple who had an arranged marriage in the Japanese fashion. Dating is common among high school students. I saw many students hugging and kissing in the hallways. Schools, parents, and community encourage youngsters to romance by hosting activities such as dance, homecoming, and prom parties. Some marry their high school sweethearts, some college sweethearts, and others marry those who meet at work, church, bars, sporting events, or any other places. People easily fall in love and get married. Some girls are getting pregnant at early ages. I had several high school students having babies out of wedlock while they attended school. One junior boy in my classroom became a father and passed blue suckers for the place of cigars during class. This will not happen in Japan. American schools are understanding and accommodating for these students. American families are also more tolerant of other cultures than Japanese people are. I remember how accepting my husband’s family was when I joined them, whereas my family in Japan was ready to disown me, though they luckily came to their senses and accepted our marriage at the last minute and blessed us.
People fall in love as easily as they fall out of love and get a divorce in this country. It is sad to report the divorce rate in the U. S. is 50 %. This is because they have been trained to worry only about their personal happiness and they know their family members and friends will accept their decision unconditionally. It is good and bad. They have no pressure from anyone to make their marriage work and they do not seem to know how to endure difficult times. They should hire a private detective to check each other’s backgrounds thoroughly before they get married as Japanese people used to do. That might eliminate some of the problems.
Apology
Japanese Apology
The apology expressions are as abundant as the gratitude words. They are gomen, gomen’nasai, doomo gomen’nasai, shitsurei, shitsurei shimashita, sumimasen, doomo sumimasen.
The Japanese people are famous for apologizing. You will often see them bowing and apologizing on the street, in the stores, at the railway stations, at home, and everywhere. As you notice, the expression sumimasen appeared in both gratitude and apology sections above, and it is not a mistake. Sumimasen or Doomo sumimasen is a convenient expression that can mean ‘thank you,’ ‘sorry,’ or ‘excuse me.’ When you are not sure which expression to use, it is safe to use sumimasen, which covers a wide variety of situations. This type of expression was born in order to keep ‘harmony’ in the Japanese feudal society long ago so that people can live harmoniously without offending each other. In those days, arrogant and powerful warriors called samurai had a privilege to kill commoners with a sword whenever and wherever they wanted for a silliest reason such as an improper length and height of their bow. People lived in fear of samurai; consequently, making them submissive and obedient. Even today, Japanese often worry whether what they said or did was appropriate, or whether they accidentally offended others in some way, so they often apologize in advance, during, and after their conversation; therefore, they feel they are protected against their unintended rudeness.
I admit that I am more tired and stressed after I spend some time with Japanese people than with Americans. How could this be? I should be used to the Japanese etiquette and be comfortable with the system since I was born and raised in Japan. According to Boye De Mente who is an acknowledged authority on the Orient and is an author of more than thirty books, Japanese etiquette originates in the native religion called Shinto and samurai code called Bushido. Shinto (the way of the gods) is the native religion of Japan and as old as its history. In the Shinto religion, people worship nature, their ancestors, and national heroes, and believe that innumerable spirits and gods surround their world. Over time, they have developed a respectful attitude toward the seen as well as the unseen. Shinto has been deeply rooted in the Japanese people and traditions for a couple of thousand years.
Bushido (the way of the warrior) is a Japanese code of conduct and the way of life, loosely similar to the European concept of chivalry. It originates from the samurai moral code and emphasizes dedication, loyalty, martial arts mastery, frugality, and honor unto death. Samurai were members of powerful military class during the feudal era (1192-1868) in Japan, and they became one of the most fearsome warriors in the world. Their intensive discipline on their lifestyle and their exquisitely choreographed etiquette based on Zen Buddhism made them the role model for all Japan to this day.
Now you know why I feel stressed being around the Japanese people. Having been born with Shinto and Bushido deeply imbedded in my body and soul, I have no other choice but behave properly in a well-choreographed manner when I am with the Japanese people. I have every right to be tired.
American Apology
The American people apologize in a different way. They apologize when they think they are physically offensive to others. They say, “Excuse me” when they burp even when nobody can hear it. They apologize when they hiccup, sneeze, blow their nose, and pass gas. (They do not apologize when they cough. Coughing often comes from being ill so that they must feel there is no need for apology. In my opinion, they should apologize more than when they burp for contaminating air with germs.) Sometimes people keep on apologizing because they have to burp three times in a row during a presentation or a meeting. Where has the American rationalism gone? Just apologize once and let that apology cover the rest of the burping, please. After all, too many apologies can get annoying. You do not need to advertise that you are gassy today. The funny phenomenon is that the polite and well-mannered Japanese people do not even think of apologizing for their bodily functions in public. They just ignore, hoping no one heard it.
The apology expressions are as abundant as the gratitude words. They are gomen, gomen’nasai, doomo gomen’nasai, shitsurei, shitsurei shimashita, sumimasen, doomo sumimasen.
The Japanese people are famous for apologizing. You will often see them bowing and apologizing on the street, in the stores, at the railway stations, at home, and everywhere. As you notice, the expression sumimasen appeared in both gratitude and apology sections above, and it is not a mistake. Sumimasen or Doomo sumimasen is a convenient expression that can mean ‘thank you,’ ‘sorry,’ or ‘excuse me.’ When you are not sure which expression to use, it is safe to use sumimasen, which covers a wide variety of situations. This type of expression was born in order to keep ‘harmony’ in the Japanese feudal society long ago so that people can live harmoniously without offending each other. In those days, arrogant and powerful warriors called samurai had a privilege to kill commoners with a sword whenever and wherever they wanted for a silliest reason such as an improper length and height of their bow. People lived in fear of samurai; consequently, making them submissive and obedient. Even today, Japanese often worry whether what they said or did was appropriate, or whether they accidentally offended others in some way, so they often apologize in advance, during, and after their conversation; therefore, they feel they are protected against their unintended rudeness.
I admit that I am more tired and stressed after I spend some time with Japanese people than with Americans. How could this be? I should be used to the Japanese etiquette and be comfortable with the system since I was born and raised in Japan. According to Boye De Mente who is an acknowledged authority on the Orient and is an author of more than thirty books, Japanese etiquette originates in the native religion called Shinto and samurai code called Bushido. Shinto (the way of the gods) is the native religion of Japan and as old as its history. In the Shinto religion, people worship nature, their ancestors, and national heroes, and believe that innumerable spirits and gods surround their world. Over time, they have developed a respectful attitude toward the seen as well as the unseen. Shinto has been deeply rooted in the Japanese people and traditions for a couple of thousand years.
Bushido (the way of the warrior) is a Japanese code of conduct and the way of life, loosely similar to the European concept of chivalry. It originates from the samurai moral code and emphasizes dedication, loyalty, martial arts mastery, frugality, and honor unto death. Samurai were members of powerful military class during the feudal era (1192-1868) in Japan, and they became one of the most fearsome warriors in the world. Their intensive discipline on their lifestyle and their exquisitely choreographed etiquette based on Zen Buddhism made them the role model for all Japan to this day.
Now you know why I feel stressed being around the Japanese people. Having been born with Shinto and Bushido deeply imbedded in my body and soul, I have no other choice but behave properly in a well-choreographed manner when I am with the Japanese people. I have every right to be tired.
American Apology
The American people apologize in a different way. They apologize when they think they are physically offensive to others. They say, “Excuse me” when they burp even when nobody can hear it. They apologize when they hiccup, sneeze, blow their nose, and pass gas. (They do not apologize when they cough. Coughing often comes from being ill so that they must feel there is no need for apology. In my opinion, they should apologize more than when they burp for contaminating air with germs.) Sometimes people keep on apologizing because they have to burp three times in a row during a presentation or a meeting. Where has the American rationalism gone? Just apologize once and let that apology cover the rest of the burping, please. After all, too many apologies can get annoying. You do not need to advertise that you are gassy today. The funny phenomenon is that the polite and well-mannered Japanese people do not even think of apologizing for their bodily functions in public. They just ignore, hoping no one heard it.
Gratitude
The expression thank you can be translated into Japanese as doomo, arigatoo, arigatoo gozaimasu, doomo arigatoo gozaimasu, sumimasen, doomo sumimasen depending upon the degree of your appreciation.
In Japan, expressing gratitude is an essential part of the Japanese etiquette system. It is proper to thank people TWICE with a bow for treating you to food/drinks or giving you a gift/assistance. You should thank them on the occasion the first time and should start with an expression of gratitude the next time you meet them. Many years ago, when I was visiting my husband’s family before we got married, we went to his sister’s apartment one evening and hung around. She brought out soft drinks and chips. We sat in her living room and chatted for a while. I thanked her for the beverage, snack, and the good time on the way out. When I saw her again the next day at the parents’ house, I thanked her again as all good Japanese would do. She said, “You already thanked me. You don’t need to thank me again.”
Now after living in this country for many years, I somewhat agree that it seems unnecessary to thank her again the second time. It was only Pepsi and chips after all. It was not as if she had spent all day cooking a fabulous meal for me. It was not a big deal from the rational American’s viewpoint. Nevertheless, why couldn’t she just let me thank her as many times as I wanted? I appreciated her hospitality even if it was not outrageously fancy. Was there any harm of accepting my appreciation twice and simply put up with it? Did she really have to remind me in front of other family members that I had already thanked her the night before and the second-time appreciation was unnecessary? It seemed her reaction was a little too cold for a humble Japanese girl.
To this day, I feel that all people, whether they are Japanese or American, should express and demonstrate gratitude two or three times. After living in this country for many years, I still expect people to start the second meeting from the original favor with a word of appreciation if I have done something nice for them. However, in America, it is common to forget what happened the previous time and to behave as if nothing nice has been done to them. This is American rationalism: It was wonderful of you to do a nice favor, and I thank you for it. Now I have thanked you, and my obligation is over. I am going to move on and never going to mention your favor again. Life is definitely easier in America, and human relationships are less complicated. Japanese keep track of favors and thank-you’s, which can be tiresome. Here in the U.S., you do not need to remember how many times you have thanked people for the favor or you should give them a return gift for the favor you received.
Japanese Thank-You Gifts
Speaking of thank-you gifts, it is customary to give a gift in Japan twice a year, chuugen, a midyear present in midsummer and seibo, a year-end present in early December. Gifts are given generally by inferiors to superiors, for example, from students to teachers, from workers to supervisors, from business owners to customers, or from relatives to relatives in order to thank for the previous favors, to build goodwill, or to maintain good relations. When I was growing up, my parents used to deliver/send gifts to all the teachers of their six children, to the relatives, to the customers of my father’s business twice a year. Popular gifts then were calendar, sugar, vegetable oil, fruit, jam, ham, soap, towels, blankets, whiskey, sake, etc. It is an important social obligation for Japanese to give the right gifts to the right people during these two gift-giving periods. Most department stores nowadays reserve the whole floor for the occasions and they ship gifts to all over the country. While I worked as a Japanese Community Liaison at an elementary school in Michigan for five years, I received average of 50-60 gifts twice a year from the Japanese students. Their gifts such as chocolate, hand lotion, liquid hand soap, notepads, paper napkins, candles, handkerchiefs, etc. were inexpensive ($2-$20), but there were so many that I could have started a small store.
In Japan, expressing gratitude is an essential part of the Japanese etiquette system. It is proper to thank people TWICE with a bow for treating you to food/drinks or giving you a gift/assistance. You should thank them on the occasion the first time and should start with an expression of gratitude the next time you meet them. Many years ago, when I was visiting my husband’s family before we got married, we went to his sister’s apartment one evening and hung around. She brought out soft drinks and chips. We sat in her living room and chatted for a while. I thanked her for the beverage, snack, and the good time on the way out. When I saw her again the next day at the parents’ house, I thanked her again as all good Japanese would do. She said, “You already thanked me. You don’t need to thank me again.”
Now after living in this country for many years, I somewhat agree that it seems unnecessary to thank her again the second time. It was only Pepsi and chips after all. It was not as if she had spent all day cooking a fabulous meal for me. It was not a big deal from the rational American’s viewpoint. Nevertheless, why couldn’t she just let me thank her as many times as I wanted? I appreciated her hospitality even if it was not outrageously fancy. Was there any harm of accepting my appreciation twice and simply put up with it? Did she really have to remind me in front of other family members that I had already thanked her the night before and the second-time appreciation was unnecessary? It seemed her reaction was a little too cold for a humble Japanese girl.
To this day, I feel that all people, whether they are Japanese or American, should express and demonstrate gratitude two or three times. After living in this country for many years, I still expect people to start the second meeting from the original favor with a word of appreciation if I have done something nice for them. However, in America, it is common to forget what happened the previous time and to behave as if nothing nice has been done to them. This is American rationalism: It was wonderful of you to do a nice favor, and I thank you for it. Now I have thanked you, and my obligation is over. I am going to move on and never going to mention your favor again. Life is definitely easier in America, and human relationships are less complicated. Japanese keep track of favors and thank-you’s, which can be tiresome. Here in the U.S., you do not need to remember how many times you have thanked people for the favor or you should give them a return gift for the favor you received.
Japanese Thank-You Gifts
Speaking of thank-you gifts, it is customary to give a gift in Japan twice a year, chuugen, a midyear present in midsummer and seibo, a year-end present in early December. Gifts are given generally by inferiors to superiors, for example, from students to teachers, from workers to supervisors, from business owners to customers, or from relatives to relatives in order to thank for the previous favors, to build goodwill, or to maintain good relations. When I was growing up, my parents used to deliver/send gifts to all the teachers of their six children, to the relatives, to the customers of my father’s business twice a year. Popular gifts then were calendar, sugar, vegetable oil, fruit, jam, ham, soap, towels, blankets, whiskey, sake, etc. It is an important social obligation for Japanese to give the right gifts to the right people during these two gift-giving periods. Most department stores nowadays reserve the whole floor for the occasions and they ship gifts to all over the country. While I worked as a Japanese Community Liaison at an elementary school in Michigan for five years, I received average of 50-60 gifts twice a year from the Japanese students. Their gifts such as chocolate, hand lotion, liquid hand soap, notepads, paper napkins, candles, handkerchiefs, etc. were inexpensive ($2-$20), but there were so many that I could have started a small store.
Greeting
Japanese Greeting
Thirty years ago, the Japanese greeting was a bow, and the American greeting was a handshake, a hug, or a kiss. When you bow, you must bow as low and as long as the other person, and both must come up together. If you come up too soon, you bow again until both rise up in unison. Today, the traditional greetings are still the same in both countries but I see some changes. The Japanese have been trying to be westernized ever since they opened the country in late 1800s, and they are experts at importing western customs and turning them into their own. Their greeting is one of many examples. It is difficult today to ignore the rest of the world and cling to their traditional bow, for example, imagine the scene when athletes score high marks in gymnastics during Olympics or figure skating contests while TV cameras are right on their faces. A deep bow to the coach to show gratitude for the hard training does not seem to appear international in the 21st century. The Japanese feel that they should join in the rest of the world and demonstrate their feelings in a more outgoing and passionate manner. They shyly started employing western greetings such as handshaking and hugging, though public physical touching is still uncomfortable and unnatural for them. Japanese men often handshake with a simultaneous bow. Just the other day, I saw several Japanese engineers visiting China on a TV program. A dozen men from both countries were handshaking and bowing like crazy. No matter how hard they try, they can never abandon their good old bow.
American Greeting
In America, people still handshake, hug, or kiss. My husband’s family hugs each member at the beginning and at the end of a get-together. His grandmother and great aunts used to kiss right on the lips. I sometimes saw some food particles left on the corner of their mouths from the previous meal and did not appreciate tasting them. Now, fifteen of us line up and hug each other. It is quite a ceremony and requires patience and order. No more kisses, thank goodness.
In recent years, American people seem to hug and kiss on the cheek more and more than handshake. Even men are hugging almost to the point of it is too much. Young and cool people are bumping fists and exchanging high fives. Someone pointed out that handshaking is unsanitary and should be abandoned because you do not know where the other person’s hand has been. I agree. After shaking many hands at a party, you should never eat finger food without washing your hands first.
Thirty years ago, the Japanese greeting was a bow, and the American greeting was a handshake, a hug, or a kiss. When you bow, you must bow as low and as long as the other person, and both must come up together. If you come up too soon, you bow again until both rise up in unison. Today, the traditional greetings are still the same in both countries but I see some changes. The Japanese have been trying to be westernized ever since they opened the country in late 1800s, and they are experts at importing western customs and turning them into their own. Their greeting is one of many examples. It is difficult today to ignore the rest of the world and cling to their traditional bow, for example, imagine the scene when athletes score high marks in gymnastics during Olympics or figure skating contests while TV cameras are right on their faces. A deep bow to the coach to show gratitude for the hard training does not seem to appear international in the 21st century. The Japanese feel that they should join in the rest of the world and demonstrate their feelings in a more outgoing and passionate manner. They shyly started employing western greetings such as handshaking and hugging, though public physical touching is still uncomfortable and unnatural for them. Japanese men often handshake with a simultaneous bow. Just the other day, I saw several Japanese engineers visiting China on a TV program. A dozen men from both countries were handshaking and bowing like crazy. No matter how hard they try, they can never abandon their good old bow.
American Greeting
In America, people still handshake, hug, or kiss. My husband’s family hugs each member at the beginning and at the end of a get-together. His grandmother and great aunts used to kiss right on the lips. I sometimes saw some food particles left on the corner of their mouths from the previous meal and did not appreciate tasting them. Now, fifteen of us line up and hug each other. It is quite a ceremony and requires patience and order. No more kisses, thank goodness.
In recent years, American people seem to hug and kiss on the cheek more and more than handshake. Even men are hugging almost to the point of it is too much. Young and cool people are bumping fists and exchanging high fives. Someone pointed out that handshaking is unsanitary and should be abandoned because you do not know where the other person’s hand has been. I agree. After shaking many hands at a party, you should never eat finger food without washing your hands first.
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