Marriage

Japanese Marriage
Traditionally, love follows marriage in Japan while love precedes marriage in the West. All the marriages in Japan were arranged when my parents became united about seventy years ago. It was almost a crime to think about choosing your own life-mate then since people considered marriage en or karma. Marriage was considered as a union between two families, not for two people. It was customary for parents to decide their children’s destiny and for children to obey their parents’ decision silently. My father’s father was a teacher, and my father was one of the ten children. My mother’s father was a banker, and my mother was the youngest of the three. Their parents knew of each other and arranged the marriage. My mother had seen a picture of my father but never met him until the wedding day. The five boys who were all dressed up in formal kimono/hakama outfits were scurrying about just before the ceremony, and my mother had no idea which one was her husband-to-be. In fact, she thought his taller and better-looking older brother was the one. It was a joke they laughed about a long after they had six children.

Out of the six children in my family, five marriages were arranged, and only one was a love/free marriage. (Yes, I not only broke the record but also caused headaches for my family by marrying an American.) Unlike my parents’ marriage, my siblings were fortunate enough to be able to accept or reject an offer when a nakoodo or a go-between brought an endan or a marriage proposal to our family. Thirty or forty years ago, there were plenty of matchmakers in every town. They were often older women with no professional training and they simply enjoyed uniting young couples for a fee under the table. If there was a marriageable son or daughter in a family, a go-between would be at his/her doorstep with pictures and a resume of a perspective partner. After exchanging photos and personal backgrounds, if there was a favorable first impression for both sides, the two people were arranged to meet in a coffee shop, a restaurant, or a hotel lobby accompanied by a go-between and parents of both parties. If they liked each other even slightly after the initial meeting, they would go somewhere alone without the curious spectators in order to get to know each other further. They would continue to date until they decided to be married. If they did not like each other, they would simply tell the nakoodo that there was no en or they were not meant to be, no need to tell the real reason. There was no nasty break-up, simple and easy. When things progressed accordingly, it was time to hire someone from kooshinjo or a private inquiry agency and investigate each other’s background, especially criminal and mental history of the family. The agent would visit neighbors and work place to obtain necessary information. Another task for the agent was to ensure the partner’s family was not one of the Japanese untouchables called burakumin, eta or yotsu. Historically, their occupations (butchers, gravediggers, leather artisans) were believed to be unclean and impure by the religious authorities; thus, they must be shunned and cast out of society. Even today, burakumin are considered sub-human, and they are discriminated against and avoided.

When all check out, and the couple becomes engaged, the groom’s family delivers to the bride’s home yuinoo, a formal exchange of betrothal gifts. They exchange obi (a sash) for female virtue and hakama (a pleated skirt) for male fidelity. Other gifts include as many as nine items of happiness and fortune such as naganoshi (abalone), katsuobushi (dried bonito), konbu (dried kelp), etc. The groom’s family presents yuinookin (betrothal money) to the bride’s family. This is a contribution from the groom to help purchase the household goods for their new home. The average amount of yuinookin nowadays is 1,000,000 yen (approx. $10,000).

For the last twenty years, many young Japanese seem to have decided not to marry but enjoy carefree single’s lives without rigid customs and traditions. Young couples used to save money to buy their dream house when they retire, whereas young people now are buying electronics and cars, traveling overseas, skiing in winter and playing tennis and golf in summer, and just celebrating freedom. The children of my siblings are not exceptions, either. I have eleven nephews and nieces between ages 41-24 in Japan, but only three are married, and two of them have one child each. What is going on in Japan? I am not the only one who is worried about this phenomenon. The Japanese government has been begging young people to marry and produce babies for years. Who is going to take care of aging baby boomers? One of the reasons why many of the young people are unmarried is that there are much fewer go-betweens who used to knock on doors with marriage proposals. Nobody can argue that it was, after all, a convenient and reliable service. Today, young people must be responsible to find their life-mates on their own. Some of them are not simply outgoing enough to ask someone out for a date. There are matchmaking agencies such as the Japanese version of E-Harmony, but they are expensive and not as effective as good old nakoodo-san. Although fewer people are getting married in Japan, most of those who do marry choose their partner out of love. The arranged marriage will be a thing in the past soon. The irony of love/free marriage is the number of divorces that was near zero during my parents’ generation is now increasing.

American Marriage
In America, marriage takes place after two people fall in love. I do not know any couple who had an arranged marriage in the Japanese fashion. Dating is common among high school students. I saw many students hugging and kissing in the hallways. Schools, parents, and community encourage youngsters to romance by hosting activities such as dance, homecoming, and prom parties. Some marry their high school sweethearts, some college sweethearts, and others marry those who meet at work, church, bars, sporting events, or any other places. People easily fall in love and get married. Some girls are getting pregnant at early ages. I had several high school students having babies out of wedlock while they attended school. One junior boy in my classroom became a father and passed blue suckers for the place of cigars during class. This will not happen in Japan. American schools are understanding and accommodating for these students. American families are also more tolerant of other cultures than Japanese people are. I remember how accepting my husband’s family was when I joined them, whereas my family in Japan was ready to disown me, though they luckily came to their senses and accepted our marriage at the last minute and blessed us.

People fall in love as easily as they fall out of love and get a divorce in this country. It is sad to report the divorce rate in the U. S. is 50 %. This is because they have been trained to worry only about their personal happiness and they know their family members and friends will accept their decision unconditionally. It is good and bad. They have no pressure from anyone to make their marriage work and they do not seem to know how to endure difficult times. They should hire a private detective to check each other’s backgrounds thoroughly before they get married as Japanese people used to do. That might eliminate some of the problems.