Funeral

Japanese Funerals
Japanese funeral customs vary widely from region to region, though most of the services are held in a Buddhist style. A funeral includes the following segments: wake, funeral ceremony, cremation, burial, and periodic memorial services. The average cost for a funeral is four million yen (approx. $40,000), the most expensive in the world.

Wake (Tsuuya)
A deceased body is usually washed at the hospital and brought to the home or to a mortuary hall on the same day to spend overnight for the wake. The body is dressed in a suit, a kimono, or a dress and is placed on dry ice (no embalming in Japan) in a casket. Incense is burned all night in front of the casket in order to guide the soul to heaven so that the soul may not be lost somewhere on this earth.

I remember how scared I was when I had to sleep next to my dead grandmother during the wake. I was only 11 years old, and my younger brother and I were too tired and sleepy to join the adults. My parents and relatives stayed awake all night tending the incense and candles in the same room. Much later, when my father died in 1992, my mother refused to see him and stayed away from the body all night. She did not want to see him in that way. She always disliked the smell of incense because she associated it with death. She kept the room closed up while the incense was burning. Years later, when my mother passed away at the age of 89 in 2002, my husband and I rushed to my hometown. After 24 hours of traveling from Detroit to Yonago, we arrived at the mortuary hall near midnight. My mother had suffered from several strokes and had been incapacitated for six years before she finally passed away. It was almost a blessing.

We missed the wake service that was comprised of chanting a sutra by the monk, but we joined my family for sushi and beer (lots of beer). They had been drinking, and we saw many empty bottles on the table. Several of my nephews and one older cousin had done a good job on beer consumption and had already retired to their rooms before our arrival. One of my nephews explained to my husband that parents were sad when grandparents died but a funeral meant a party for grandchildren because they were all grown-up and had fewer occasions to gather. As you remember, Japanese people do not invite all the relatives to a wedding, but everybody is invited to a funeral. The young people were happy to see each other. It was a party time for them as well as a celebration for my mother to end her six years of misery. It explains why the younger half of my family was drunk.

Funeral Ceremony (Sooshiki)
The funeral is usually held on the day after the wake. My family waited one extra day so that I could attend the funeral. I was determined to be at my mother’s funeral because I could not make it back when my father died. Japanese funerals take place so quickly that those who live far away and have young children with a job simply cannot rearrange their lives swiftly enough to fly over the ocean in time. Since she died on July 10, the hottest time of the year, she required extra dry ice. Historically, mourners wore white clothes at the funeral, but everybody wears pitch-black outfits nowadays. They also carry rosaries called juzu for praying. Since we do not own juzu, we borrowed two from my sister.

Our funeral took place at the same mortuary hall as the wake. The ceremony was formal, structured, and rehearsed. Two monks read the sutra, family members offered incense in hierarchical order, and visitors followed the family. It is customary for mourners including grown family members and relatives to bring condolence money called kooden in a special white envelope tied with black, white, or silver strings. Kooden can be given either at the wake or at the funeral ceremony. Depending on the relation to the deceased, the amount can be between 5,000 yen (approx. $50) and 50,000 yen (approx. $500), and of course, guests receive a small return gift on the way out. I remember my husband was awfully impressed by my banker niece and nephew, my oldest brother’s children, when they sat at a low table on the tatami (straw mat) floor counted thousands and thousands of kooden money as the family members looked on. Unlike the American way of counting money, Japanese bank clerks skillfully spread bills in a fan shape by swaying their hands in a quick motion and count them fast by fives. It is almost like watching a magic show because they move their hands so swiftly and gracefully. The kooden often helps pay for the funeral expenses.

Cremation (Kasoo)
The family members made a procession to the crematorium by car and taxi after the funeral service. The coffin was then placed on a tray, and we witnessed the sliding of the coffin into the cremation chamber. My oldest brother pushed the button to ignite the oven. The sound was scary, and it was a terrible feeling. I remember my grandmother used to ask not to cremate her because it would be hot. Since the cremation would take a couple of hours to complete, we were led to another area of the crematorium and given lunch while we waited. After picking on our lunch and engaging in superficial conversation, we were taken back to another room to collect her bones. Although I had attended the funerals of my grandmother, uncle, and my friend, I never had to pick up any bones before then. My aunt did not even go to the crematorium when her husband died. She simply could not do it. Now I understood why. When my cremated mother came out, it was truly a shocking sight. I stared at it long and hard. I was surprised I was still standing there. I thought I would pass out. My husband looked just as shocked as I was. My family had told me earlier in detail when my father died how a cremation worked, and I thought I was somewhat prepared, but I was not. My older brother was telling us minutes earlier while we were waiting how shocked he had been when he first attended the occasion for our uncle. The bones were all there, though flesh, skin, hair, and clothing all turned into ashes. I always thought a body came out as a mound of ashes, but I was wrong. The worst thing about cremation was that the family members must pick some of the bones and place them in the urn with chopsticks. I learned later that bodies are cremated in such a temperature that the families can collect the bones with chopsticks. We passed the long chopsticks around the room, and everybody picked one bone at a time starting from her feet, then proceeding upward with the head last. The Adam’s apple is often placed in a separate container since it is most important. I do not remember if the urn was brought home or taken directly to the graveyard. My memory is a blur.

Burial at a Grave (Haka)
A typical grave in Japan is a family grave and it consists of a stone monument and a chamber or a hollow space inside the gravestone for the urns of the family members. After the cremation of the body, the urn may remain at the family home for a number of days or may be taken directly to the cemetery, depending on the local custom.

My father had a local artist create his bronze bust statue when he was in 50s, and it has been displayed in our living room for many years. We thought it was silly and arrogant of him to show such vanity before he even died. When my father turned 60 years old, they selected the temple where they would hold the funeral and purchased our family cemetery plot. They had already inherited from my grandfather their kaimyoo, new Buddhist names, which they needed when they died; therefore, they did not need to purchase them again. The longer the kaimyoo, the more expensive. Their names consisted of eleven Kanji characters that were the longest possible to obtain because my grandfather was the head parishioner of his temple and he was given the names as a gift. Their long kaimyoo impressed but angered our monk who later conducted the funeral ceremony because he could have charged my family substantial amount of money for such a long kaimyoo. My parents also prepaid for the services of chanting sutras for the next twenty years after their deaths. These are not common practice even in Japan, but they were certainly well prepared for their departure; however, I guess their real intention was not to burden their children with a mountain of obligatory expenses after they left. When the moment finally came, we, the children, had a place to bury them without panic, stress and expense. We appreciated their thoughtfulness.

Memorial Service (Hooji)
Again, hooji depends on local customs. The first 7 days and the varying frequency up until the 49th day are particularly important. Japanese people believe that the dead soul passes through several gates before reaching the final gate to the heaven on the 49th day. It is the family’s duty to guide them to the heaven by holding various memorial services. In my hometown, memorial services are held on every 7th day until 49th day. After the 49th day service, the 1st year Obon (Festival of the Dead), the 3rd, 7th, 17th, 25th, and 50th years are the ones that my family gather and celebrate. At a typical memorial service, a monk chants a sutra either at home or at a temple. The family members and relatives visit the grave together, pour water over the gravestone, and decorate it with flowers. They burn incense and pray for the peaceful rest of the deceased. After that, they share a meal.

March 29 of 2008 was my father’s 17th memorial service. My husband and I joined the family for celebration in my hometown, Yonago, Tottori Prefecture. At my deceased parents’ house where nobody resides presently, nineteen people gathered for the ceremony. My oldest brother and his family who live next door within the same property prepared the rooms for the service. They opened up the two rooms to accommodate people to sit together on the tatami floor and listen to the monk chant a sutra. Since I knew my husband and I could not sit on our knees for any more than five minutes, I sneaked two short chairs in the back of the room for us to sit somewhat comfortably six inches off the floor. My sister-in-law and niece brought out tea, coffee, and juice for everyone before the monk arrived and set them on the short table in front of us. A young monk with long spiked hair finally arrived in black kimono, but he excused himself to change into a bright lime green kimono with a purple overcoat. Before he started, he told us that his sutra would last approximately forty minutes so that we should cross our legs and get comfortable. He sat in front of the family altar that was hidden by the screen door and invisible to us from where we sat, but he belted out a long sutra with a strong and loud voice for everyone to be able to hear. He simultaneously beat mokugyoo, the wooden drum, with one hand and kept on chanting. He was burning incense also, and the room was getting smoky. Soon, someone opened the back door slightly for some air. People shifted their legs this way and that way in order to avoid numbness in their legs. My husband and I were rather comfortable in our little chairs. His sutra was beautiful, and I am sure my father appreciated it.

After the long 40-minute sutra, he told us that it was our turn to come up individually and hierarchically to the altar and offer incense, just as we did at my mother’s funeral. Then the young monk sat down on zabuton, a thin cushion, as my sister-in-law brought him a cup of green tea and placed it in front of him on the tatami floor. My husband whispered to me that he did not like to do this thing. I told him to imitate what others were doing and reassured him that he would be fine since he had done it before. However, since we could not see what was happening behind the screen door, I decided to investigate the procedure because we were definitely out of practice. I quietly went up and peeked around the door as my older siblings were offering incense. I whispered to my husband that he should walk up to the altar, sit down to bow first to the monk and then to the rest of the people, take 1-3 pinches of incense and drop them into the burning incense box after bringing each pinch to his forehead, pray to the altar with a rosary in hand, bow again, stand up, and come back to his seat. I did notice that the incense box that was not there earlier appeared. I thought the monk must have brought his own box but I did not dwell on it.

My turn came, and I finished my ceremony successfully. Then it was my husband’s turn. It was going well until he sat down in front of the altar where I could not see what he was doing anymore. People on the other side of the room were watching him intensely because they were curious about my American husband’s ability to perform this Japanese custom of offering incense. A few seconds later, the young monk and my older brother abruptly jumped up and dashed to rescue my husband. My husband was unsure from where he should pinch incense because the monk added his own box, plus several things were burning at the altar. Now he was confused; thus, his fingers wandered from one place to another without knowing what to do as everyone watched on. When his fingers were about to rest on the burning ashes, the two people jumped up, and the young monk grabbed my husband’s hand in time. Once they rescued him, they gave a sigh of relief and went back to their seats, but the young monk forgot about the green tea on the floor and kicked it hard for the full cup of green liquid to splash all over the floor and onto the paper screen door. Now a couple of women jumped up to get towels. The poor monk was so embarrassed that he apologized many times. I later found out that my husband apologized to the monk too.

I thought the whole incident was simply hilarious and could not stop laughing every time I even thought about it. In fact, my older sister and I laughed to tears in the car to the cemetery. On one hand, I felt I should have apologized to the monk for my husband’s ignorance and cause of his kicking the teacup, to my older brother for his rescue attempt, to my oldest brother who inherited our parents’ house for the possibly damaged screen door, and to my husband for my inadequate coaching. However, I decided not to join in the apologizing contest and to ignore the whole situation since there was no harm done to anyone including the old screen door that no one is using today.

American Funerals
In America, there is no one way of describing funerals since its population is so diverse, and each group follows its own unique ritual of resting the deceased depending on their religious background or personal belief. Here, I will describe the ones I have experienced, which are Protestant funerals.

According to Religion/Newswriters, the focus of funerals has recently shifted from a person’s death to celebration of his/her life through informal eulogies, secular music, a slide show, a home movie, etc. I have attended a funeral for my husband’s aunt’s husband (my husband’s uncle-in-law) who was a successful surgeon with six boys in a small northern Michigan town. His funeral was huge. Among several eulogists, a couple of his grown sons went up one at a time and gave a eulogy. They all told stories about what a great man/doctor/father he was. People were crying. One of the boys called his dad a hero in tears, which made me cry too, though I did not know him well. It seems the emphasis of American funerals is on the mourners and their grief as much as on the accomplishments of the deceased. Unlike Japanese funerals, American funerals are personal and emotional.

There are do-it-yourself funerals. Some people do not want to pay a funeral home so that a small in-home funeral movement is taking root. They do the washing, dressing, showing, and burying the dead on their own. Personally, I have never experienced this type of funeral, but this may be an inexpensive way to go if you do not want to spend money on a funeral.

Nowadays, 28 percent of Americans are choosing cremation while 99.8 percent of Japanese of all deceased are cremated. My Swiss neighbor in Toledo, Ohio who was an avid gardener and angler once told us that he wanted to be cremated when he died, and his ashes sprinkled over the ocean. I also found interesting statistics that 42 percent of Americans preferred cremation whereas 40 percent a traditional burial. Why do more and more people want cremation? Is it due to recent and frequent TV and radio advertisement of funeral homes with the emphasis on cremation? Further research led me to the answer that Americans prefer not only affordability of cremation ($800- $3,000), but also its simplicity, dignity, environmentally soundness, and saving of land for future generations. Only difference from the Japanese cremation is Americans do not pick the bones of the deceased into the urn. They leave the job to professionals.

American funeral homes have been busy. Due to the influx of immigrants of Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist religions, local funeral directors have been forced to educate themselves so that they could learn about their religious rites and adapt the services they offer.

The basic American funeral consists of three elements: wake, funeral ceremony, and burial. As soon as a person departs, the body is taken to a funeral home where they perform embalming. According to American Funeral Homes, embalming is the science of the care of the deceased, so dead bodies will stay fresh as long as a week before the funeral and the burial take place. Embalming may have originated in Egypt for the kings and pharaohs with the use of wine, spices, oils, salts, and perfumes. The use of formaldehyde started in 1859 in America and quickly gained acceptance in order to bring dead soldiers home during the Civil War. This procedure is now a common practice all over the country. It not only emphasizes public health and sanitation, but also delays decomposition of the body and offers a temporary disinfection of the corpse along with careful manipulation of the facial features so that the body can be displayed for public viewing in a more pleasing and familiar-looking manner. In Japan, a dead body is washed and put on dry ice with the orifices stuffed with cotton or gauze. Japanese people must rush to hold a wake and a funeral before the body starts decaying. On the other hand, in America, the normal body fluids are replaced with formaldehyde or gluteraldehyde to protect from decay and to fill with sweet orders. Now the deceased is ready for public viewing for farewell.

Wake
When the body is prepared for a wake in a funeral home, relatives, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and community receive visitation and funeral information through word of mouth, phone calls, e-mails, newspaper, etc. Several visitations, which are a few hours at a time and often just before the funeral, are held for mourners. When people arrive at the funeral home, the family members greet them. Mourners express sympathy to the survived family members and pay respect to the dead that lies peacefully and beautifully in a casket covered with flowers in the corner of the room. There may be photos of the deceased and soft music playing in the background.

When a person dies of a long and agonizing disease, it is almost a blessing. When a person goes suddenly without any warning such as a car accident or a heart attack, it is painfully sad to attend the wake or funeral. A good friend of my in-laws died of a massive heart attack in a hotel room all by himself while he was away on business. The family including me went to the funeral home to pay our respects. The distressed widow thanked us for coming and told us the story how he was found and how she was informed of his death. When two men, instead of her husband, appeared at her doorstep, she knew something terrible had happened to him. Her eyes were red and swollen, and it was obvious she had been crying. I do not think I can ever manage the duty of talking to people if my husband just passed away. I admired the way she handled herself.

Funeral Ceremony
Funerals can be at the church of the deceased or at the funeral home where the wake was held. The service by a clergyman can be short and simple, or long and elaborate followed by countless eulogies, music, and other means. When we moved to Elgin, Illinois, we met our next-door neighbor, Joe and Nancy, over the fence. They were nice people. Little did we know, Joe’s brain tumor came back and he died within a year, and we attended the funeral. I remember how stunned I was to see Nancy’s bright turquoise dress. I guess people do not wear pitch-black outfits for the wake and the funeral in this country, though I remember people always wore black clothes often with black sunglasses and a veil in the movies. Then I started paying extra attention to what people wore during wakes and funerals. There is no dress code for funerals in this country, though most of them seem to wear dark-colored or quiet-toned outfits. In Japan, everybody wears pitch-black clothes and pearls for accessories.

Burial
After a funeral, people get in their individual cars and follow the hearse to the cemetery. This procession takes place in an organized manner. All the cars sometimes as many as twenty or thirty with a small funeral flag on line up and march through town to the gravesite with police escort at every traffic light. Cars on the roads give right of way to the funeral procession and never break the line.

When my husband’s grandmother passed away at the age of 102, we all arrived at the cemetery after the funeral and gathered around the coffin that was placed next to the freshly dug, deep, and rectangular hole with a tent over it. The same minister who conducted the funeral gave another short service. Then, it was time to bury her by lowering the beautiful wooden casket into the dark hole. It was not quite as shocking as witnessing a cremated mother; nevertheless, it was just as painful to say good-bye to someone who had been around such a long time.

In America, death announcements appear in the “Obituaries” or “Death Notices” section of the local newspaper. Newspaper companies daily dedicate half a page to a full page to this section. When a person dies, someone from the family contacts the local paper for a fee to inform the public of the wake and funeral details along with the person’s brief history and accomplishments, survivor’s names, family’s wishes concerning flowers and condolences. You often see such requests at the end of each obituary, “In lieu of flowers, memorials to the American Cancer Society are appreciated” or “Condolences to: www.xyz.com.” It is almost humorous to see Internet addresses in the obituary section. Just as for weddings, American people like to specify exactly what they want. Again, the American rationalism pops up even during the saddest occasion such as a funeral. Americans do not want flowers that will wilt in a few days. They would rather have the money donated to the charity for the disease that the deceased died of, so that a cure can be found soon and their loved one’s death will not be wasted.