Wedding

Japanese Wedding
Traditional Japanese weddings follow Shinto or Buddhist customs, though the Shinto ceremony is far more common than Buddhist one is. The ceremony, which is generally attended only by the families and relatives, is simple and lasts about thirty minutes. The bride wears long and layered white kimono with an elaborate wig called takashimada and a white headdress called tsunokakushi. The tsunokakushi, horn hider, symbolizes the idealistic wife who endures hardships without showing temper and jealousy. The groom wears kimono, black haori (a happi-coat) with his family crest printed on, and hakama (a pleated skirt). At the end of the ceremony, the couple exchanges san-san-kudo, (literally means 3 – 3 – 9 times), the bride and groom taking three sips each of sake from three different-sized lacquer-ware cups.

For the last twenty years, Japanese weddings have taken changes. They are celebrated in a variety of ways; many contemporary weddings are a mixture of Japanese and Christian elements, though most of the Japanese people are not Christian. People like the idea of being married at a church in a white wedding dress with a veil and a tuxedo, just like they celebrate Christmas by eating chicken (turkey is unavailable in Japan) and cake and by exchanging gifts even when they are not Christian. They feel modern and westernized by adopting favorite parts of other cultures. It is also popular for young couples to get married in exotic places such as Hawaii and Tahiti.

Japanese wedding receptions are generally formal, structured, and extravagant. Guests include family members, relatives (only two people per family), friends, co-workers, and superiors of the bride and groom. Popular reception places are wedding halls, hotels, and large restaurants. There are many complimentary speeches from guests and many toasts throughout the reception. The bride is busy changing her outfits two or three times, from colorful kimono to an evening dress and back to kimono, or vice versa. At one point, the bride and groom may come out in another new outfit with a long sparkling candle or a Japanese paper umbrella. It is like a show.

Wedding gifts are often cash only. It should be enclosed in a special envelope called noshibukuro that is red and white tied with gold and silver cords. I hear that today’s standard amount of gift for friends is 30,000 yen (approx. $300) and for relatives 100,000 yen (approx. $1,000). The average cost of a typical reception party is a couple million yen (approx. $20,000-$30,000). You may think everything is expensive in Japan, though it is not that expensive since the bride and groom or their parents generally pay for the transportation, hotel, and food for the out-of-town guests; thus, you are getting part of the gift money back. In addition to the payback, all the guests receive a gift called hikidemono such as a set of small dishes, a vase, or a jewelry box of lacquer-ware, etc on the way out. The people believe that they return part of the monetary gift back to the guests by giving the hikidemono. The Japanese people do not feel right about keeping all the money; therefore, they always return approximately one third of what they receive in some form.

American Wedding
In America, there are no rules. Weddings can be religious or secular. They can be at a Protestant, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim church/synagogue/temple. They can also be at a friend’s backyard, a beach, the top of a mountain, Las Vegas, City Hall, or a Justice of the Peace, as long as a clergyperson or someone legally certified marries the two people. The dress code is completely unlimited for the bride and groom. The bride can wear a sundress, kimono (like the one I wore), or a white bridal gown with short or long veil. The groom can wear a light or dark suit or a tuxedo. The wedding receptions can be a potluck dinner with a store-bought cake at a friend’s backyard, a catered finger-food party at a swim/tennis club, a buffet dinner at a country club, or a sit-down dinner at a hotel wedding hall. Yes, the sky is the limit. The young couple can celebrate their special day in the way they can afford and they want. The wedding ceremony is generally beautiful, personal, and emotional. The reception is a true celebration with food, drinks, music and dancing unlike the Japanese counterpart.

As soon as a couple announces their engagement, a string of events follows. The bride chooses Maid of Honor and Bridesmaids, and the groom Best Man and groomsmen. (Usually the same number of people is selected for the bride and groom. They can be as many as ten girls and boys on each side.) It is an honor to be asked to be Maid of Honor and Best Man because they must be dependable and trustworthy enough to assist them with the wedding planning process and the ceremony on the wedding day. Major responsibilities for Maid of Honor are to help shop for bride’s dress and bridal party attire, host the bridal shower, plan bachelorette party, and physical assistance for the bride on the wedding day. Best Man arranges tuxedos, hosts bachelor party, and pays the officiant and other wedding vendors. Guests receive an invitation along with the names of department stores where the couple is registered for the wedding gifts. Gifts can be cash or items that the couple selected at the local stores, such as pots and pans, dinner plates, silverware, towels, sheets, blankets, small appliances, home decors, etc. and how many. This is what I call American rationalism: the concept of “Why don’t you give us what we want? You are going to give us a gift anyway. If you give us what we don’t want, we will return and exchange them with what we want anyway.” It makes sense, and everybody buys into this idea. Meantime, guests receive another invitation for the bridal shower that they are requested to bring another smaller gift or two. This is when many people cringe, but no one objects to it. After all, this is a happy occasion, and nobody wants to spoil it. The couple is determined to decorate their whole house with wedding gifts. On occasion, guests feel angry and disappointed when the couple splits up soon after their lavish wedding fiasco. There should be a rule that all the gifts are to be returned if the couple cannot successfully pass the first year anniversary. That may give them an incentive to stay together longer. Guests usually receive a thank-you note but not a return gift as in Japan. Just before the wedding, bachelor and bachelorette parties are held separately with the friends of the same sex. They can be a fun night-out with girls or boys only at a restaurant or a bar, a skiing or fishing trip for guys, or a nasty drinking party with strippers because this is the last chance to be a single.

If you are young, have many friends who are getting married, and are often asked to be in a wedding, you need a small fortune to feel part of the group today in America. A typical bridesmaid who lives far needs to pay for a dress and shoes for the wedding, airfare and hotel rooms for the shower, bachelorette party, and wedding, plus a shower gift and a wedding gift. It can be quite costly. It can be an expensive weekend for the guests as well since the expenses such as transportation, hotel room, and food are not the couple’s responsibility.

East or West, weddings are expensive. People say three daughters will bankrupt the parents. That is well said. Our one daughter is married, and two more to go for us. In Japan, wedding expenses are often divided in half between the bride and groom’s families, though the groom’s family has already given approximately $10,000 for the purchase of the household items for the newly wed’s home. In America, there is no such custom of betrothal money; therefore, the couple needs to solicit from the guests to the point of greed. I call this American rationalism again. My daughter told me that the bride’s family customarily pays for all the wedding expenses in the U.S. but we should be thankful because in her case the groom’s family and the couple also pitched in. This same daughter once told me when she was young that we should be glad that Santa Clause brought her bicycle and we did not have to pay for it. Huh?